Exhaustion and Rays of Sunlight

It's so hard to explain how many ways our storms have impacted us since December 2010. I know things will never be like the were, but sometimes I wonder if the floodwaters will ever go back to pre-storm levels. It's not nearly as deep, and the sun shines more often, but it's hard to clean up when I keep stepping in puddles.

This whole journey has left me so exhausted, I find myself frequently longing for peace and rest in Heaven. I know God still has a purpose for me here, and I'll keep working at it, I'm just so tired. I've found that situations that may have been minor before now remind me just how exhausted I am. Stress, conflict, expectations that may not be realistic... I don't have the energy for them I once did. It all still impacts the way we make decisions in general.


However, now I have a very clear idea of the direction I want to be headed, and I want peace. I know we are still making progress in our recovery from the storms. I don't seem to be in the fog anymore, and we're on a mission. We're picking up the pieces and slowly moving forward, even if we're not back to be full pace yet.

With the weather lately, I've been seeing some beautiful artwork by God's mighty hand. The next photos in this post are from recent moments that seemed to represent to me where our journey is now. The rain and dark clouds are still around, but I'm seeing some rays of sunlight

     

 

With Hope

I think sometimes we take our knowledge of hope and of Heaven for granted. It's easy to grieve what's missing in this moment because our limited human minds have trouble understanding eternity.

If you tell a child he has to wait until Christmas to get what he wants, he may grieve what he doesn't have now. Christmas might as well be an eternity away. Better yet, Christmas might as well not even exist. Who wants to wait that long? As we get older, 8 months away really doesn't sound that long, but spiritually, we can all be like children. "But how much longer?!?!?! Might as well be never!"

Maybe we don't say it, but sometimes we act it.

I've been thinking a lot about last Easter (read last Easter's post here). We'd just said hello and goodbye 3 days before, and I was still in the hospital after the C-section. My spirit is still willing and my flesh is still weak, but I'm so thankful that we still have the hope of Heaven.

As we were getting up to attend sunrise service this morning, I thought of how miserable the walk to the tomb must have been. After facing significant loss, I have a better understanding of the heartache that must have been felt.

"Luke 24:1-12
Jesus Has Risen

1 On the first day of the week, very early in the morning, the women took the spices they had prepared and went to the tomb. 2 They found the stone rolled away from the tomb, 3 but when they entered, they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus. 4 While they were wondering about this, suddenly two men in clothes that gleamed like lightning stood beside them. 5 In their fright the women bowed down with their faces to the ground, but the men said to them, “Why do you look for the living among the dead? 6 He is not here; he has risen! Remember how he told you, while he was still with you in Galilee: 7 ‘The Son of Man must be delivered over to the hands of sinners, be crucified and on the third day be raised again.’ ” 8 Then they remembered his words.

9 When they came back from the tomb, they told all these things to the Eleven and to all the others.10 It was Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Mary the mother of James, and the others with them who told this to the apostles. 11 But they did not believe the women, because their words seemed to them like nonsense. 12 Peter, however, got up and ran to the tomb. Bending over, he saw the strips of linen lying by themselves, and he went away, wondering to himself what had happened."

The women had forgotten Jesus' words until reminded. I don't think they had ever really grasped what it was that Jesus was telling them about eternity, or maybe they just thought of it as something that was so far into the future they didn't even need to think about it. They didn't even realize what hope they had! They weren't much different than us, were they?

One of my very favorite passages in the Easter story though, isn't about them. It's about Peter. Peter, who had denied Christ and broken His heart. Peter, who felt defeated. Peter, who had doubts about his hope.

The passage above says the apostles didn't believe the women because their words seemed like nonsense. "Peter, however, got up and ran to the tomb." Oh, how I wish I knew what was going through Peter's mind. I look forward to asking him some day!

Some commentaries say that Peter wasn't thinking of the resurrection but I have to believe as he wondered, or marveled to himself, he felt his hope begin to rise. Even if he didn't fully understand Jesus' words until Jesus, Himself appeared to the disciples and "opened their minds so they could understand the Scriptures" (Luke 24:45), I believe he was starting to understand just how monumental what he'd just experienced actually was. I believe he was beginning to grasp the hope that Jesus so clearly represented.

I'm so thankful we have hope. I can't say that enough. This world may separate us one way or another, but Thank God, I still believe that Heaven is real, and we have a Heavenly Father who loves us. I still believe.

Happy Resurrection Day, Heaven is Real!!!

HE IS RISEN!!

Almost a Year

I'm definitely feeling like a maranomi tonight. I'm feeling very nostalgic and missing Carys. It's April. Later this month, we will be celebrating one year since our babies were born.

Celebrating? Is that the right word? It is, because I certainly want to celebrate my babies. It's also painful though. Much of this past year went by in a fog.... like a very long, very emotionally draining dream that, now that I'm more awake, seems very fuzzy at times.

Again, here is the mix of joy and pain I've come to know so well. I'm excited to watch Paxton grow and learn. I'm thankful for my babies. I miss having them both with me and I've been thinking a lot about the short time I had with them both. My heart hurts and longs for Heaven.

Heaven- where I'll be with my daughter and other loved ones, I'll always know peace, and nostalgia doesn't exist.

Even with the painful nostalgia, I know good things are coming and God still has a plan. Pieces are falling into place. I'm preparing to publish my first book, Love isn't Selfish, and I'm working on the second, which is the babies story. We're also working toward 501(c)3 status for The Carys Rainn Foundation (more information to come). I know Carys was given to us for a purpose. God always has a plan.

Rainbows, Thunder, and Carys Yellow

It's been 11 months since my babies were born. It seems so strange that it's already been so long. I wonder if thinking about everything that has happened will always bring such a rush of emotions, and I have a feeling it will. Although, the rush of emotions has already evolved over the past months. It's different and will always be changing (oh, how often I long for the stability of Heaven), but we will never again be without the impact of our babies.

Paxton is growing fast and curious about EVERYTHING. He even took a step on his own last weekend. He loves to laugh and play with his rubber ducky. He's getting good at showing me where it is, or where other toys like his little stuffed penguin are. He loves to explore. I can't help but wonder what Carys would be enjoying if she were here. I even Googled recently to see what other girls named Carys enjoy. I may never know this side of Heaven, but I do very much enjoy things that remind me of her.

I didn't know when we were planning my maternity pictures (with Shannon Rice Photography) why I was so set on using the bright yellow umbrella, but it has become an icon for me. Now, I associate that bright, cheery yellow with my baby girl. In my mind, it will always be Carys Yellow. The forsythia bush blooming in my yard, the daffodils by the front steps, cheery yellow smilies... I love that they make me think of her.

We've also had a lot of rain lately, so naturally that makes me think of her. Rain, rainbows, and wind that blows her windchimes. I've only seen a rainbow one time in the past 11 months, but it was a double...how fitting. People send me pictures of rainbows when they see them. I love it. They remember her too.

A few nights ago, I kept waking up through the night to the sound of rain and thunder. In my half-asleep state, I marvelled at how storms allow an opportunity for us to experience God's power. It reminds me of a moment in Jamaica whan Aaron and I were on our honeymoon. We'd gone to a cooking class on the beach, and stayed to chat with another couple as the class ended and the rain began.

Soon after the rain started pounding on the tent above us, the thunder and lightning began. The lightning seemed to be just a few miles out from the beach. I felt very vulnerable there on the beach and the sheer power of the thunderstom was both scary and exhilarating. I felt God's presence.

The feeling of God's powerful presence is not something often experienced on a clear, calm, sunny day. Sometimes it takes the storms to reassure us that God really is bigger and more powerful. I think we need the reminders.

1 Corinthians 2:4-5
New International Version (NIV)

4 My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, 5 so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power.

Historic Tornadoes

The news called tonight's outbreak of tornadoes "historic." There were tornadoes to the north of us and tornadoes to the south. There has been so much destruction, especially in the community of West Liberty, Ky. We watched the storm tracker on the local news from the hallway, since the safest room of our house would be the bathroom nearby, in the center of the house with no windows. It's a sick, helpless feeling to watch it on the screen, knowing there is nothing we can do about it.

My mind raced to think of people who may not have heard just how bad the storms were, but there's no way to call EVERYONE. I prayed. I realized how tense I was when the storm was past us and I started to breathe easier again. Paxton played, then fell asleep.

Two things really stood out to me as I watched my baby sleep and watched the storm crawling over the tri-state area on the weather maps.

I thought about how stressed I felt during the storm and how peaceful Paxton was. He had no idea of the danger that raged such a relatively short distance from our home. I wonder how much God protects us from knowing. When we want our why's answered, or our wants met... God knows what He's protecting us from when He says "no", or nothing at all. 

I also thought about the helpless feeling. When tornadoes are coming, it's easy to fear for the safety of your loved ones (especially when you know they're out in it, trying to get home). It was also a check for me. I know what's coming, and I know there are so many people who are not prepared. We never know when we will go out into eternity, and I know I have a duty to encourage as many people as possible to seek out the love of God. God has a plan for each of us. God has a plan for you. His plan includes a life in Heaven when you've left this world, but if you don't accept that gift, you'll never see the peaceful beauty of Heaven. The gift is there, He's already provided it for you. You have the choice to ignore it or take it and find an eternal joy. I know I have loved ones who aren't ready. I know I have readers who aren't ready. There's a storm coming. Please.... listen to what God has to tell you! Be still and watchful. God has something for you to see!!! HE Loves YOU.

**** Please be praying for all affected. ****

The old normal isn't comfortable anymore.

Tomorrow makes 10 months since the babies were born. I woke up today feeling very nostalgic. I don't know what kind of dreams I was having, but I woke up feeling like everything was still fresh. So, since this morning, I've been longing for some way to bring back the closeness to both my babies; a scent, a memory, something tangible. I feel like I'm losing that closeness and I don't like it.

Sounds so strange. It's like for the time during and right after the pregnancy, everything else stood still and Heaven was closer. I've been feeling "better" lately, like I'm functioning at a more normal pace and the dark, weighted fog has lifted. The problem is that everything didn't really stand still, it kept moving forward. So, now I'm struggling to catch up, but I really don't want to catch up in the old normal. I changed and I don't belong there anymore. I can't pretend I didn't change.

I'm thankful that God still has plans. We're working on our part of those plans and would appreciate your prayers. The old normal isn't comfortable anymore. I know God has something different planned, I look forward to seeing how it all pans out.

"Riddle Me This"

Time for something new... and very different than my normal posts... but a chance for a giveaway!

Einstein, Warhol, Keller, and Jung,

a common tie did bond.

Churchill, Rush, and Gable knew,

one whose year held fond.

a pilot point assembly joined

through a separation;

from a state of same did rise

a call to remember the historic.

now you have the who and when,

the what and where did follow.

answer these to win a prize,

or ask, your pride to swallow.

If anyone can figure it out, I'll have some kind of prize for you. 

After all, I do have a box that has been accumulating prize options!

good luck!