Hope

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dis·cour·age

   [dih-skur-ij, -skuhr-]  Show IPA verb,dis·cour·aged, dis·cour·ag·ing.

verb (used with object)

1.

to deprive of courage, hope, or confidence; dishearten;dispirit.

2.

to dissuade (usually followed by from ).

3.

to obstruct by opposition or difficulty; hinder: Low pricesdiscourage industry.

4.

to express or make clear disapproval of; frown upon: todiscourage the expression of enthusiasm.

(www.dictionary.com)

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Hebrews 11:1 (NIV)

11 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

(www.biblegateway.com)

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"Hope is any chance greater than zero that something can change for the better."

-Dr. Gary Patton

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I'm thankful that the hope I have is bigger than any discouragement I may face.

Trust When It's Raining

I've not posted much lately. It's not because I've not had thoughts I wanted to share, because I have (lots of them, in fact). It's just been because I've been busy.

I ran into a coworker today that I hadn't seen for quite some time. He commented that I seemed happier. I feel happier. My heart's still broken, but I'm picking up speed and functioning better. I'm not in the fog anymore (most days). I told him that I was feeling more like myself. "A changed version of myself... but more like myself."

As I take a break from working on the billion things I need to get done, I'm writing and looking out the big window in front of me... at the rain. It makes me smile. There are people scrambling to get under cover outside today (especially at the annual Route 60 yard sale this weekend), and I'm sure many of them are probably complaining about the rain and getting wet. It's probably changed some plans for some potentially unhappy people.

But still, it makes me smile.

I stopped by the cemetery on my way back into town, and the tears still come to my eyes, I still miss my baby girl just as much, but I have a deep peace within me.

The rain, to me, is now a reminder of what it means to trust. Storms can be scary (and we have had some scary storms this year!!) but when it comes down to it, they are entirely out of our control. So, we have to just trust that whatever happens, God is going to work through it. He always does. He ALWAYS has a plan that was formed out of His great Love for us.

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On another note, continued prayers are appreciated as we move forward with The Carys Rainn Foundation, Inc. We are currently waiting on tax exempt status. You can find more information at www.carysrainn.org and www.facebook.com/CarysRainn.

God has a plan, He always does. 

With Peace,

Keri

Everything We Want, All That We Need.

We'll have everything we want in Heaven. I remember being told when I was a small child that we will have everything we want when we get to Heaven. My young mind couln't understand the concept, since I knew we couldn't take anything with us when we went. I remember thinking of my favorite possessions. At the time, my little Pound Purry kitten, Christmas Music went with me everywhere. It went with me to Kindergarten, it went with me to church, and it went with me to bed. It was so well loved, it had to undergo multiple "surgeries" to keep it together. I couldn't imagine not wanting it to go with me somewhere. I remember wondering if I'd be able to have Christmas Music the stuffed kitten in Heaven with me, and if so, how that could possibly work. I knew I'd be with my family but I knew I couldn't take physical possessions with me. Would Christmas Music just be there? Would I not WANT Christmas Music any more? What would I DO in Heaven?


I asked my mom. She smiled. I don't remember her exact response, but she basically told me that if THAT was what I wanted most in Heaven, then she was sure I'd have it.


As any of my readers already know, I view things much differently these days. I once caught a glimpse of Heaven as I held my baby girl, and there is nothing on this earth that could possibly compare.


I feel so rejuvenated just thinking of Heaven. When I focus on Heaven, the stresses of this world seem a little less significant. I look forward to the peace.


I truly believe that the meaning of our life on earth is to learn what it means to love, and then teach others. God IS love, as scripture says. It's all about the selfless relationship of a Heavenly Father. Nothing else matters. I've given a lot of thought to the matter, and have even written my understanding into a book (which is currently being edited by a friend so I can publish it).


The point is, Heaven is being home with God... surrounded by Him. Surrounded by Love. The attachment I felt to my little pound purry as a child is nothing to the incredible love that IS God.


Our wants change. I don't care about the "stuff." I care about the peace, love, and relationships. Heaven has EVERYTHING that we could ever need, and more than we could possibly want.


What I want most in Heaven now is to be joined by as many of you as possible. Will I see you there?




To read a previous, related post,.click here.

I'm OK.

"How are you doing?"

For such a long time, that was a very difficult question to answer. People would ask (genuinely or to be polite) and my brain would scramble to find an honest response. I started to really hate being asked. There were times I didn't FEEL okay, even though I still knew I was.

The response in my head was always two-toned. I was blessed and I was devastated. To respond with one seemed to devalue the other. I was at peace and I was pained. I was heartbroken and yet still thankful. I was exhausted, and had some pretty significant work-related anxiety for a while, but I was amazed at how God was working.

There were times I'd say "OK" just because it was easier than having to go into what all I did feel. Some people really want to know, others do not. There were also times that I couldn't say I was OK without feeling like I was lying. I was struggling to function. I started saying something like, "I'll be okay." I trusted I would feel okay again eventually, but I wasn't then.

Sometimes I wonder, What would feeling "great" really mean? I feel blessed and thankful, but I'm not sure "great" will ever be my answer anymore (This side of Heaven, anyway). But I'm okay with that. I have so much to be thankful for. I feel loved and amazed by God's presence. I feel hopeful and excited about God's plans.

There are still difficult days when the impact of the whole journey just seems to hit me full force again, and days where every little thing reminds me of how much I miss my sweet little Carys Rainn. Last night, I got all choked up and teary reading "Piglet's Rainy Day" to Paxton. It was one of the only things I bought for Paxton while I was pregnant (other than necessities) and I've read it to him many times, but last night it just hit me differently.

"It rained for days and days and days." Wow. I've been there.

"And each day he gets a little more anxious as the rain creeps higher and higher." Some days I felt like I was going to drown in it all.

"Piglet wonders if someone might come and rescue him if he writes a message, puts it in a bottle, and throws it in the water." Piglet's cries for help made their way to Christopher Robin. Mine made their way to Christ.

Piglet and I Both survived the flood. We're OK, and we're blessed.

Some days I will still cry at the smallest thing, but I'm okay with that. I'm blessed and I'm thankful.

Piglet's Rainy Day By Penguin Putnam Inc.

Sometimes it still feels fresh.

A major part of life as a Maranomi is feeling like a basket case. My tear-filled days are fewer and farther between, but they still come. I think they always will on this side of Heaven. All weekend though, I had little things that would just trigger the thoughts about everything that has happened since December of 2010.

I've thought a lot about the struggles during those first few months as Paxton spent 3 weeks in the NICU and I had battles with the breast pump. The sleepless nights. The tears and tissues. The anxiety over going back to work. Trips to the cemetery.

It's all been on my mind and it all feels so fresh sometimes.

We've had a temporary marker at Carys' grave since the one provided by the cemetery was removed on short notice. It was recently removed because it didn't go by the "rules" of mowing season since it wasn't actually a headstone. I discovered it missing on Mother's Day and to say it was hurtful would be an understatement. I had to look around briefly for her grave, and for a split-second, I had a horrible feeling of panic sweep over me. I wondered if it was similar to how the women must have felt when they reached Jesus' tomb to find his body was no longer there.

I knew her grave was still there, and the panic lasted only briefly, but it was there and it left its mark.

Thankfully, after speaking with someone at the cemetery, we have found a temporary solution, but I still need to decide on a headstone soon. It's not that I haven't thought about it, it's that nothing seems to fit. I even spoke with someone about having a custom headstone made, but it isn't going to work. So, once again I'm looking for headstone ideas. I am looking for an image I have in mind because the standard headstone clipart just seems cheesy to me. It doesn't fit my baby girl. I have a good idea of what I want, I just have to figure out how and where to have it done, keeping the budget in mind.

It's so tempting to be angry, but it just hurts. I don't want to be trying to pick out a headstone. I want to be picking out sweet little dresses and hairbows. I miss my girl.

"Be still and know, that I am God." 

Psalm 46:10

To all the Mothers

It seems inevitable that if a group of parents gathers, the conversation will soon turn to the accomplishments of their children. It doesn’t take long to hear how fast Timmy can run, or how many academic awards little Jane has received. It’s information that begs an audience. It’s natural. We want other people to see just how unique, special, and amazing our children are, just as we do. We want to know our children are recognized and make an impact on this world. Our children have the power to transform us into doting fan club presidents and marketing directors. The desire to know our children are recognized and make an impact on the world does not stop when our children leave this world and go to Heaven, yet many people don’t want toy listen. I’ve spoken with many baby loss parents about the reaction we generally receive when we discuss having a child (or children) in Heaven. We often hear well-intentioned but hurtful remarks, or perhaps just as damaging, nothing. No acknowledgement. No mention of our children’s names. No requests for more information. Nothing but a look of near-panic as the person scrambles to find a new topic or get away from us. It’s a shocking thought to someone who is not familiar to the baby loss world. “Old people” die. Babies don’t. right? Unfortunately, they do. It doesn’t matter what the age is, or how good parents are at parenting their children. Babies die too. When we learned of Carys' diagnosis, the verse Jeremiah 1:5 became very significant to me. I believed Carys had a purpose, and I felt obligated to share her story. i wanted people to know how amazing she was, and how much she was impacting our lives. So I began to blog. I found a way to share her story and her legacy. She had a purpose. God created her for a reason, and I will always look for opportunities to share with others how she impacted the world.


In an hour, it'll be Mother's Day. I want to wish all the mothers out there a very happy, peaceful mother's day- especially those mothers who are not always recognized as mothers. Your babies, regardless of how long they were in your life, will always be your babies. I encourage you to find a way to acknowledge them. 

• Share your baby's story here (link). 
• Find a project to take on in your baby's name.
• Contribute to a project already in progress.
• Make a donation to the Gideons International in memory of your baby, to have New Testaments distributed in his or her name.
• Put a memorial/statue in your flower garden in memory of your baby
• If you haven't done so yet, name your baby.

I know this post is getting long, but I'd like to share a list of projects and blogs other baby loss parents have started in order to share the legacy of their children. Feel free to add yours in the comments or let me know of any corrections that need to be made!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!

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www.prenatalpartnersforlife.org “We offer support by connecting parents facing an adverse diagnosis with other parents who have had the same diagnosis. We have many resources such as adoption agencies with clients waiting to adopt and love a special needs child should a parent feel they could not care for them.”

www.missinggrace.org “Missing GRACE Foundation's mission is to provide resources and support for families that have experienced: pregnancy loss, infant loss, infertility or adoption and to advocate for comprehensive, patient-focused prenatal care for all women. Five core areas encompass the heart of the mission: Grieve, Restore, Arise, Commemorate and Educate.”

Project Palmer http://www.facebook.com/pages/Project-Palmer/337249116318905

“providing hand-made memories for families facing loss”

Katie's Fighters http://www.facebook.com/pages/Katies-Fighters/123906067701444 - set up to promote awareness and help families with funeral costs for babies with anencephaly

Brinley's Gift http://www.facebook.com/BrinleysGift -set up to help families with funeral costs for babies with anencephaly

Everlasting Grace – collecting baby blankets and items to donate to hospitals for grieving families

Sustaining Grace -pays for 4D ultrasounds

Angel by My Side -make birth annoucements

On The Wings Of A Butterfly- memory boxes and butterflies

Faces Of Loss

‎Grieve Out Loud http://grieveoutloud.org/resource-page/  Resources

String of Pearls

NILMDTS- bereavement photography

Be Not Afraid

Stephanie Dyer Still Standing online magazine

Sufficient Grace http://www.sufficientgrace.net/ “Sufficient Grace Ministries for Women, a 501 (c ) 3 non-profit, non-denominational Christian organization, was founded in 2004 by Kelly Gerken with the purpose of reaching out to women and families to offer comfort, encouragement and hope. The Dreams of You division of this ministry was created specifically to provide comfort to women and families who have lost a baby through miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death.”

Baby Boards: http://www.facebook.com/babyboards “A baby board is a custom designed remembrance decor item. Special pricing for bereaved family. Email misty.writingonthewall@gmail.com or visit http://writtenforyourwall.blogspot.com/p/test.html for more information. 100% customizable.”

Moving on, but never forgetting.

http://lightscamera-me.blogspot.com 

Lucy George

You've Become My Light

http://caitgroover.blogspot.com/

Cait Groover

A Willful Heart: The Journey of Palmer

http://palmerjoseph.blogspot.com

Jenny Lees

The Little Journey of Baby Thomas

http://thelittlejourneyofbabythomas.blogspot.com/

Holly Bush

Caring for Carleigh

http://www.caringforcarleigh.com

Holly Haas

Speaking Peace

http://mylesstraveledroad.blogspot.com

Misty Palka Nielson

Under His Wings

http://kim-underhiswings.blogspot.com

Kim Cone

Gabriel's Message

http://gabrielsmessagelives.blogspot.com

Andrea Hernandez Cude

Kolton's Story

http://koltonsagesanchez.blogspot.com

Lacy Sanchez

Cayden Ryan

http://Caydenryan.blogspot.com

Christina Burns

The Story of our Gift from God; Paige Miracle!

http://themiracleofpaige.blogspot.com

Amber Mapas

MyAngelPrincess

http://myangelprincess.blogspot.com

Rob Smith

Sophia Grace's Journey: An Anencephaly Story

http://sophiagracesjourney.blogspot.com

Tabitha McClure

Everyday Carnival at the Adams' home

http://adamshome.blogspot.com

Erin Lutz Adams

Caring Bridge site

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/babygirlsinouthasy/mystory

Melanie Larsen Sinouthasy

Carrying Theo

 http://theo-mygiftfromgod.blogspot.com 

Josie Louise Ward

Our Miracle Lilly Elizabeth

 http://ourmiraclelillyelizabeth.blogspot.com/

Elena Strode

Amelia Grace: a journey of life

http://www.ameliagracelorang.blogspot.com/

Melissa Raabe Lorang 

A Rainy Year

A friend texted this picture to me this week (thanks, Terra!) because it made her think of Carys. I knew we had a lot of rain around the time that the babies were born, but I didn't realize we had THAT much rain. Yesterday, I had a client reference this time last year, "you know how we had all that rain this time last year?"

How fitting is that?


It certainly was the rainiest time of our lives...

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For the last few days, I've been thinking about what was going on this time last year. (click here to read what was going on this week last year) It doesn't seem like it's been a year. It's like the past year has been a long, emotionally draining dream and now I wonder where it went.

Yet here we are, and tomorrow my baby boy turns one. Tomorrow also marks one year since our daughter went to Heaven. Bittersweet, as always. I've been feeling like laughing and crying at the same time, which happens often these days it seems. It's all part of the journey, and what a very painful, beautiful, joyful, sorrowful, rainy journey it has been.


...but the story doesn't end here.