Storms of all kinds...

I was recently asked to share something with you all. April 1-7 was Asbestos Awareness Week.  Though I didn't get the message before that week, I still wanted to take a moment to share. Heather, who contacted me, wrote:

"At age 36, I was diagnosed with mesothelioma just 3 ½ months after my first and only child, Lily, was born. I was given just 15 months to live unless I underwent a drastic surgery to remove my left lung. Miraculously, I beat the odds and I’m still here eight years later.

Asbestos is not banned in the US, yet it’s the only known cause of mesothelioma. I was exposed to asbestos through my fathers work jacket when I was just a little girl; my diagnosis came about 30 years later. Once diagnosed, most patients die within 2 years. I am one of few survivors who openly share their story and work to spread awareness regarding the dangers of asbestos."

I share this now not simply because I was asked to do so, but also to acknowledge that storms come in many forms. Make an effort to prevent the ones you can, but also know that it's not possible to prevent every storm from coming. Even if we are doing everything we believe is "right," sometimes storms happen. How you respond to them make a world of difference. Heather chose to reach out to others in an attempt to prevent them from going through the same traumatic experiences she has faced. Check out her awareness page, then consider the storms in your own life.


Does God want to use your storms for some purpose that is not yet being realized?

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (NIV)
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

Sweet boys, toys, and projects

This is the longest I've gone without posting since starting this blog. As always, it's not that I have nothing to say, just that I have so many other things holding my attention. Like those two sweet boys of mine. This week, I'd taken some pictures of the boys and when I was looking back through them, one picture of the littlest guy made me catch my breath. His cheek, jaw, and mouth... it was like I was looking at Carys. It made me smile (a bittersweet smile, as always).

I've had Carys (and Heaven) on my mind frequently lately as Easter and their birthday approaches. 3 years. How has it been that long already? I'm thankful, though, to say that Carys continues to be very well remembered and frequently mentioned. As I recently shared with some dear friends in the baby loss world, "most moms take their kids to the park to get out.... i take mine to the cemetery. (sharing because I know you all understand) so... Pax asked me today where Heaven was, if it was way up high in the "fye." I said, "That's where we imagine it to be; we can't really see it." he said, "I want you to wift me up high so I can see it!"  Then, he said something about Carys' flowers. I told him they were pink and yellow flowers for her, and he got his pouty look on his face and said "but i didn't want dohs fowers." so I asked him what flowers he wanted to get for her instead, he said "nofing. Toys." I asked what kind of toys, he told me he wanted a mommy toy, a baby brover toy, a daddy toy, and a Paxton toys." I know what Carys needs for her birthday (well, what we need to get her for Paxton).

The Carys Rainn Foundation is doing well and I'm excited about the events we have coming up. June 27th, we will be hosting the Ready... Set... Glo 5K (a nighttime glow race). The second weekend of July will be our Online Auction, and we will be hosting a professional training August first at KDMC for medical and mental health professionals. Exciting stuff!

Since last time I posted, I resigned my position in community mental health to stay home with my boys. While I am very much at peace with that decision and thankful to have this time with them (even on the rough days!), I'm also still working at my own projects to contribute to the household income. I started www.kerikitchen.info to keep them all straight. (ha!) So, Prayers appreciated. :)

But now, I actually have both boys napping and a billion things on my to do list... so God bless and have a wonderful day!

Heaven Dove Down

Not long after the twins were born, I found a deal for a free mini book. So on a Sunday afternoon, I rushed to put together a story book of the babies' story for Pax. It's just a short little tiny book.

I read it to him tonight (and didn't cry as much as I thought I would).

He didn't say much about it, but I could tell he was really paying attention. As I was getting him ready for bed, he was just jabbering. He asked me what I've been dreaming about and talked about the Bible stories we read. He told me the 10 commandments (with some prompting of course). I thoroughly enjoyed just talking to him. What an amazing little boy he is.

The conversation led to him asking me where God and Jesus live. I told him God lives in our hearts and asked if He lived in his (he said yes). He then asked where Carys lives, which led to him asking where Heaven is. It's a little difficult to explain to a 2 year old where Heaven is. I told him it was a little hard to explain, but we could picture it being way up high. He seemed satisfied with this answer.  But then, I commented that I believe we felt Heaven the day he and his sister were born.

Of course, this prompted more questions. "Did He come down?" "Did Jesus dive down from the ceiling?"

"Did Heaven dive down?"

"Something like that, buddy."

Heaven did dive down when they were born. It dove down and totally encompassed us with overwhelming peace and love. It's not REALLY "way up high"... it's closer to us than we even realize. It has to be - we've touched it. It wasn't the first time Heaven dove down to earth... and it won't be the last.

So thankful that Heaven dives down when we need it most - and leaves us with the promise of more.

Anticipation

The last few years, we have chosen to participate in My One Word in lieu of New Year's Resolutions.

2012, my word was Joy

2013, my word was Action

For 2014, I am ANTICIPATING what God has in store.

I am excited about the possibilities in front of us and know that God is continuing to work in a big way. I'm anticipating progress in my personal life, professional life, the Foundation... I'm anticipating seeing pieces falling into place this coming year.

I know God has a plan!

ANTICIPATION

Jeremiah 29:11-13
New International Version (NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Winter Solstice

It's December 21st, Winter Solstice. That means it's the longest night of the year. How fitting that it's also the 3rd anniversary of the confirmation of Carys' diagnosis. The anniversaries always bring back flashes of memories from three years ago. Crying in the bathroom floor as I prayed and hoped the diagnosis wouldn't be confirmed. Feeling almost numb after returning home from our specialist appointment that confirmed her condition. Time helps, of course, but there are times a memory will hit and it all feels fresh again for a moment. The emotions are all so intense, even if they do hit much, much less often these days. We miss our baby girl and always will on this earth.

The thing is, just like the longest of nights, this world isn't forever. We have such incredible hope of a peace unlike anything we could ever experience here, and simply the thought of that peace is renewing and uplifting to me. Just thinking about the glimpse of Heaven we had when the babies were born is enough to lift my spirits and let me look forward to the daylight instead of looking backward at the night. 

Here on this earth, we're not still in our "longest night" phase, thankfully. We still have night and day - moments of grief and sorrow that feel dark, but they are much more balanced with the daylight. 

Yesterday, my mother-in-law and I were at the cemetery with Paxton and Paxton and Carys' new baby brother. Watching Paxton at the cemetery is always bittersweet. Instead of getting to know his sister, he knows her headstone. 

When he sees it, he says "Caysis' gave!" And he wants to "sit by her."

It makes me smile and breaks my heart, all at the same time - but i'd still rather have had her with anencephaly than not at all. She changed our lives and our perspectives. In a very good way. 

I still look forward to Heaven more than I could say. BUT, in the meantime, I feel joy that outweighs my sorrow and peace that is much stronger than my pain. I am blessed and so very grateful for my family. Being on maternity leave, I cannot express how much I have enjoyed just being with my boys, or what a gift they are to me. 

As we were leaving the cemetery, Pax said cheerfully, "Merry Cwismas, Caysis!"

So indeed, Merry Christmas, Carys... we miss you, baby girl. 

Some day, the long night will be over and we'll be with you forever!

Psalm 30:5

For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life:
weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Finding Peace In Your Grief Journey

Since joining the world of baby loss parents, I’ve met many, many moms and dads who have had similar experiences. While no two losses are exactly the same, there are some common factors. As a therapist, I tend to pay more attention to the grieving process and the common factors that may stand in the way of finding healing.

Negative, defeating, discouraging thoughts will always come. Often, they come as seeds planted by others’ words, or the experiences we have. After a loss, they may come in the form of statements such as, “You need to just move on,” or “Don’t cry,” or “aren’t you over that yet?”

I’m sure you’ve heard your share of well-intentioned but hurtful comments. People often say hurtful things, simply because they just don’t know what TO say and end up with a foot in the mouth.

While you may know some of the things others say, or the things you say to yourself aren’t helpful, and usually aren’t even true, it’s easy to fall into the trap of treating yourself as if they are true and dwelling on them. Its easy to do, surrounded and weakened by a fog of grief, but it doesn’t allow for healing.

What often happens if there are such barriers to healing, is that it goes beyond typical grief and can develop into long-lasting depression and anxiety, characterized by guilt and anger. The grief process naturally lasts a long time, and I believe it would be safe to say it leaves a scar that never fully goes away. With that said, the barriers can be like glass in the wound that keeps it from healing properly. It may not always be obvious, but if it gets bumped in some way, it’s like it’s still very well raw and fresh.

Today, I want to ask you if you have glass in your wounds. What unhelpful thoughts keep you from finding that peaceful healing. Are you thoughts leaving you feeling guilty? Angry? Bitter/resentful? What is standing in the way between you and finding peace? Are there lies you are telling yourself that maybe you would never tell another parent here? For example, “I should be over it by now.” “If I had only….” “I shouldn’t have/If I hadn’t ______then this wouldn’t have happened…”

One of the best ways descriptions I could possibly give for working through your grief would be to find a purpose and peace in your experiences. This isn’t possible, though, if you focus only on the unhelpful, guilty, resentful, negative thoughts. It’s not possible if you continue to focus on blame. It’s not possible if you don’t give yourself permission to experience the grief and feel what you feel. It’s okay to admit if your heart is broken, or if you miss your children. It’s okay to admit that you are grieving, even if it has been what others may consider “too long.” It’s not about them. It’s about you and your journey to finding peace with your loss.

Most importantly in your journey to finding peace, it’s important to focus on what is helpful and healing. For me, personally, I have found peace by focusing on the fact that I fully believe that God loves us, that He’s not selfish, and doesn’t allow painful things to happen to us for our own amusement. Scripture tells us that He is Love, and describes in a very detailed way what Love really is. I believe that, and believing that helps me find peace. I believe, as scripture also says, that God has plans to prosper us and not to harm us – to give us hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11-13). So if God loves us, love isn’t selfish, and He has plans for us, there must be a loving purpose in my daughter not being with me. Because I believe this, I can honestly say that I would still rather have had my daughter with anencephaly than not at all. She has touched the lives of many and will continue to do so through our non-profit, founded in her name. God had a purpose for her, even though her life here was short. A final thought that has helped me find peace is that I believe fully that Heaven is for real, and I will live my life in such a way that I will be with her again.

I’d like to leave you with a verse that helps me keep my focus:

Philippians 4:8

New International Version (NIV)

8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

I've Never Been Here Before

I recognize that things have been rather quiet from me this pregnancy. As I wrote in my last entry, it's been hard for me to be very vocal for multiple reasons. Now, we're getting pretty close to time to meet this new little fella. Full Term. 37 weeks. I've never been "here" before! Granted, the last pregnancy was under entirely different circumstances. There were two sweet little ones and Carys had an abundance of amniotic fluid - not surprising that I went into labor early with them.

This is "normal."

Is there ever really such thing? I'm getting to experience a "normal" pregnancy with all the normal quirks and symptoms (and some discomforts I didn't really experience with the twins too, but hey, I'll take it).

Yet it doesn't feel normal. Even now, I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have absolutely no reason to actually believe anything will go wrong from this point... he has been growing and everything has gone completely as expected, but it's still hard to just relax. I've heard so many of the horror stories.

Did you know it's Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month?

This is part of it... the aftermath of pregnancy and infant loss. Even normal things don't really seem normal after loss.

Throughout this pregnancy, I've allowed myself to be distracted by so many other things (largely feeling stressed about work)... but I wonder how much of it is my way of coping too - trying to keep myself from focusing too much on the what-if's. Once a baby loss mom, always a baby loss mom. Even had another dream last night about Paxton falling and having what seemed to be a potentially life-threatening injury. Just like the last one, it was some kind of brain trauma. I know every parent has those kinds of fears, but for me, it's another reminder that I need to get the fall flower arrangement to the cemetery for my baby girl.

I do have peace in knowing that whatever happens, God has a plan and we'll be okay. I just still find myself pleading, "God, please don't ask that of us again..." I know very well that if He did, it would be because He had a very big, loving reason for doing so. I know that He'd give us what we need exactly when we need it. I know that and I believe it... but at the same time, there's such a part of me that is just still so weary. The part of me that longs for Heaven regularly - the eternal home where things are stable and God's love and peace saturates EVERYTHING. That part of me hopes that Heaven comes before any more major losses. Maybe that sounds bad to someone who hasn't been through a journey like ours, I don't know. I'm being honest though.

We've not announced this little darlin's name. Not really because we're trying to keep it a secret, it's more because we've just not been sure ourselves! We're continually being asked, and I can't give a definite answer, even though we're about 99.9% sure. What we do know, however, is that we plan for his middle name to be Isaac.

During the last pregnancy, the story of Abraham and Isaac came up so frequently. I wasn't asked to sacrifice Carys on an altar, but we were asked to sacrifice our hopes and dreams for her and trust that God had other plans for us. I had to be willing to let her go before I could find peace. I know all too well that the same could be true for any other loved one. I have to be willing to let go, no matter how much it hurts, and trust that God will provide. That certainly includes this new, very loved little boy.

God always provides. Sometimes, we're just too busy clinging to things we need to let go and we completely miss what He may have for us. Trust isn't always easy. It's not always comfortable. But God always provides.

Proverbs 3:5-6
New International Version (NIV)
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.


Jeremiah 29:11-13
New International Version (NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.