Monday Again

Dear Lord,
As you know, it's a Monday again. My thoughts are drifting to the negative and I'm starting the week feeling weary and worn down. I need your help. Help me, Lord, to be positive in my thoughts and speech. Please, help me be an encouragement to those around me rather than a dark cloud. Help me to be the employee and therapist you'd have me to be. Let my words be your words.

Lord, as this new week begins, help me to be the kind of wife, mother, friend, and family member you have called me to be. Lead me to actions that will reflect you and your Amazing Love.

Thank you for your many blessings. Thank you for the opportunities in front of me. Thank you for my family and friends. Thank you for giving me a way to earn money for my family. Thank you for loving even me.

I need you Lord.... and I love you. Please, let others see you when they look at me.

Amen

Numbering our days...

Since becoming a Maranomi, I've met many others with children in Heaven, and have heard the stories of many, many more. Early pregnancy losses with unknown causes, knotted umbilical cords, birth defects, rare infections and complications, and difficulties in childbirth. SIDS, death from crib accidents and falls, furniture and appliances being overturned. Car accidents, child abuse, and murders. Cancer and other terminal illnesses. The list goes on. As a mother, the thought can be terrifying.

I used to just hear that miscarriages are common in the first trimester. As if we no longer need to worry about losing our much-loved children after 13 weeks gestation. Insert sarcastic "ha" here. I've always know anyone of any age could leave this world for eternity at any time, but not until I became a Maranomi did I really FEEL the fragility of life. I've touched Heaven. I know how close it is.

Psalm 90:12
So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom.

It seems like I do number our days now. I'm overly aware of how quickly any of us.... from the smallest to the oldest could leave this world in any moment. I  know that, if God has me stay here for any length of time, I will most likely experience more painful losses. Though the thought of it makes me feel ill....and weary all over again, I know...without a doubt, that God will always provide.

Numbering our days helps put things in perspective. It's easier for me to look for the bigger picture and not focus so much on the details. The biggest picture is that we are ALL in this world for a period of time that, relative to eternity, is extremely short. Heaven awaits for those who have accepted God's selfless gift off forgiveness and chosen to follow Him.

The big picture is that I'm forgiven and Heaven is Real. The big picture is that I want to see you there. Any moment may be our last. Are you ready?

Two Years

Two years ago, late at night between April 20th and April 21st, I was at the height of my grief. The pregnancy was coming to an end and I was a few hours away from my scheduled time in the O.R. for the C-section.

Two years ago tonight, I was broken, but anticipating morning. What I didn't know at the time was just how much peace God would give us. Enough to not only get us through the day, but also to give us a glimpse of Heaven.

Part of me is still broken and always will be on this earth, but that's okay. It's part of life as a Maranomi. I embrace it now... it keeps Heaven feeling nearby.

I have a feeling I will always have the urge to revisit the journey as their birthday approaches. I have been going back and reading from the caringbridge entries and going through my rough draft of their story. I never want to forget the details. God had so much planned when He created my babies... and I am still seeing how His plans fit together in so many amazing ways.

So... tonight, as I'm up later than I should be, I'd like to offer a word of encouragement. When your storm is at its darkest.... when you are most weary, broken, and beaten down... hold on just a little bit longer. God still loves you. Trust that He has a plan to give you hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). Even when it hurts. You never know if He's just about to let you touch Heaven. Keep your eyes on Him or you may just miss what He wants to show you!

Easter will always be a reminder

Easter will always be a reminder.

As we were sitting in revival last night, I asked Aaron, "Have you thought about the fact that it's the Thursday before Easter?"

My babies were born the Thursday before Easter two years ago. I thought it was very significant. I remember so clearly the peace we felt, even as Carys' heart stopped. I remember what it felt like to touch Heaven.

I also remember how, as the peace we so desperately needed that day faded, I started to feel so down and defeated. I remember how dark Good Friday started to feel. I remember us reading the Easter Story and how I could relate to the disciples in a way I never could before, with my spirit being willing but my flesh being weak... and sore from surgery... and just utterly exhausted.

Thankfully, though, I remember the excitement as we started to focus on the miracle we experienced when we touched Heaven. I remember the excitement and gratitude as we focused on (and still focus on) how because Christ loved us THAT much, we have a home in Heaven where we can see our daughter again.

It'll actually be two years in a little less than a month from now. Heaven still feels closer than it did before Carys came for her brief stay. I am so grateful for the peace in knowing Heaven is Real. I'm so thankful... beyond words... for the gift that was given at Calvary. I'm so eternally grateful to know that, although our baby girl is not here with her brother and us, she's not lost forever.

Easter will always be a reminder. I'm so thankful.

How Carys Changed my Prayer Life

I've said many times that I used to feel like telling someone I would be praying for them sounded empty. It would seem like I wasn't really doing anything. I always believed there is power in prayer, but I didn't always feeling like my prayers were powerful, I guess.

After Carys' diagnosis, I craved knowing people were praying for us; even after God told me, "no" to my request that she be made whole. I didn't need people to pray she'd be made whole (God assured me that it wasn't His plan and I knew I had to accept that), but I needed people to pray for strength and comfort for us. I know God was taking care of us anyway, but it seemed that we'd always hear, "We've been praying for you!" at times we'd felt the peace and comfort the most.

I always believed in prayer, but hadn't found a resolve in my thoughts when it came to the idea that, "if you pray hard enough, you'll be healed," or if you weren't healed, "you must not have had enough faith." That never had seemed right to me, but in the midst of our storm, I came to a much more confident, secure place in my faith as it pertained to healing.

God had created her. He formed her, as no human could ever successfully have done without Him. He created her. There was no doubt in my mind that He could form her skull and develop her brain in an instant. I believed and believe that He was capable. Even after her diagnosis was confirmed, I wouldn't have been surprised if He'd chosen to do so. But, I also knew that earthly wholeness is not always in God's plan. I trusted Him to take care of us, even when it hurts.

I have a harder time praying for life now. I find myself praying more for eternal preparedness, comfort, and peace, with whatever the outcome may be. He knows better than I do. Who am I to make a request on someone else's behalf that may rob them of something beautiful God had intended to create through their pain? I pray they feel His love; that they are open to His peace. Receptive to His plans.

God knows what He's doing. I don't need to tell Him how to be God. I can make my gift requests for others, but I can much more easily pray, "Your will be done."  I'm continually learning to trust Him to give us a glimpse of beautiful through the storms. He's got this.

Room for Improvement

I've never met a person who had no room for improvement.


Have you?


I've been pondering the reasons/excuses/barriers people have when it comes to seeking mental health services. I recently asked on the After The Rainn facebook page what others thought, and the following are some of the responses I received. I tried to categorize them as much as I could.


STIGMA/SOCIAL FEARS

Embarrassment.
Shame.
"What other people may think of them."
"The stigma that goes along with having a mental health problem"
"Misconception that seeing a mental health counselor = crazy."
"Fear of judgment from someone who knows nothing about what is going on in their lives."
"Fear of admitting that something is wrong and that it's something they can't handle on their own."
"Shame that they can't handle a problem on their own.
"Fear in admitting that you have a problem."
Pride.
Fear.
"I think that saying 'mental health' may be more offputting as it has an underlying tone of "maybe I am crazy" rather than "i just need some guidance""
"the culture in this area...it's not "socially acceptable" to talk about your problems and pay someone to listen...i think that this is more of a "put on your big girl panties" and deal with it kind of culture where kids are taught not to cry and talk about feelings."
Mistrust.
"Difficulty discussing feelings/problems."
"Fear of failure even with professional help."
"Fear of hearing the feedback for your feelings/problems."
(rural areas) "the reality that you know who the counselors/therapists are outside of the therapy setting."
"I would worry about confidentiality and from experience I can say it sucks running into people at the grocery store who know all about your dirty laundry..."

RESOURCES
Not knowing who to see
Cost
Time
Lack of available resources


MINIMIZING/DENIAL
"Denying that they need help."
"Some people believe there is nothing wrong with them and everyone else around them is at fault."
"Inability to recognize that there is a problem."
"Don't think their condition is worthy of a MHC."


Looking at the list of responses I received, it would seem that the majority are about social fears/a stigma attached to mental health services.

I'm going to suggest 5 reasons to consider seeing a mental health counselor.

1. Nobody has it ALL together. Everyone has areas of weakness and areas of strength, and talking to someone who is neutral ( and trained) can help give you great insight into your own weaknesses and strengths so you can make the best of both. This can be especially helpful in times of transition (education, career, relationships, moving to a new place, marriage, divorce, etc.).

2. Counselors are trained to help you process difficult life experiences, meaning that it's our job to help you find some peace with or meaning in the potentially traumatic experiences in your life. In reality, we all have difficult, painful experiences (some more than others). If we're not finding some kind of peace with them, they don't go away, they are just swept under the rug with everything else; and after a while, it's easy to trip over the rug.

3. We all form bad habits in how we relate to others and ourselves. This could come in many forms, such as negative, unrealistic messages (like telling yourself that you are always a failure or you just can't do anything right...), or just focusing on your own wants to see your loved ones' needs.

4. Often, mental health symptoms may be rooted in physical health problems, but if you are not discussing them with mental health/health professionals, you may be missing something!

5. It's okay to ask for help. If you are not feeling well physically, it's okay to ask a doctor for help. If you are not feeling well spiritually, it's okay to ask a pastor/spiritual leader for help. If you are not feeling well over-all, it's okay to ask a counselor for help!

If you're not ignoring your physical needs, don't ignore your spiritual or mental/emotional needs either!!

If you are having difficulty finding resources, check your local yellow pages or go to www.medovin.com to find a counselor licensed in your state for distance/online counseling (this form of counseling is not for emergencies or those under 18 years of age, who would need to find a local mental health provider instead).

If you are seeking mental health services in Kentucky via online video-based chat (and you are not among my family and friends because that would be a conflict of interest), visit my counseling page at http://counseling.aftertherainn.com.

As a mental health counselor, I believe that everyone can benefit from mental health services. Consider it finding a life-consultant!

Wishing you peace, health, and healing!
Keri

ACTION

2011 started off with the heavy weight and confirmation of Carys' diagnosis. The year passed in a dream-like fog.

2012 started off with some remaining fog while I was trying to pull myself together to start moving forward.

Since that time, there has definitely been some progress. In 2012, we started a non-profit corporation in Carys' memory and it is starting to move forward (though we are waiting for tax exempt status still). I returned to a more flexible work schedule. I finished my first book (available at Amazon). We've watched Paxton grow into a joyful, smart, (very, very... very) active toddler. Carys' grave has a monument. Good things have happened as time moves on and we continue to miss our baby girl. There have also been areas where we have continued to feel... stuck.

While we're making progress, some of the things we want to see happen the most are just not happening very quickly.

I was reminded today of the site, www.myoneword.com. The concept is to pick one word to be your focus and theme for the year to come. We chose a word tonight.

Our word, to combat feelings of ... stuck-ness (haha) ... is ACTION.

God is always in action. We are in action. We are moving forward.

Even when we feel stuck, there is action. I know this because God is always working. He always has a plan. His timing is ALWAYS right, even when we can't see the big picture and think we must just not be moving.

So, as we begin 2013, I am choosing to not focus on feeling stuck. That will get me nowhere. Instead, I'm focusing on taking action where God directs, and actively waiting on His timing (continuing to do what I know He has called me to do while I wait for the bigger pieces to fall into place).

Philippians 4:8

New International Version (NIV)

⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.


God is in ACTION.



Happy New Year!