*thump*....*thump*..........*thump*

     It's that time of summer, when I hear a sporadic *thump*....... *thump*........................*thump* out on our wooden back deck. The apples are ripe. I'm glad the bees aren't out in full force like they were the summer we moved in a couple of years ago (has it already been that long??). It seems like I barely have time to think these days, and I when I do think, my thoughts are all over the place. I think about Carys: missing her, remembering her, looking forward to seeing her in Heaven, and fulfilling her purpose on earth. I think about Paxton, about how to provide for him to the best of my ability and do everything I can to meet the needs that he has, now and as he gets older (not to mention thinking about how much I enjoy his sweet little grins and the way he giggles in his sleep among other traits). I think about how my To Do list is much longer than the days allow, about the future of my career, and about the possible publisher for my first book (they've got the manuscript and I'm waiting for feedback!!). I think about the anencephaly support groups and working on having ribbons custom made to raise awareness about anencephaly, the youth group at church that has not been very active (and the fact that as their youth pastor, I need to be on top of that), the house that's not put together as well as I'd like for it to be, and my yard that is desperate need of attention... which brings me back to the apples. 

*thump*

"Yeah... I need to get out there and pick apples, they're just going to waste... oh, but first I need to......."

*thump* 

"Oh yeah, I still need to get out there.... but Paxton's hungry now..."

*thump* 

     Get the idea? My brain's going in so many directions I just feel like a basketcase at times. Most times these days, but anyway. 

     This afternoon, my parents came over to get some apples and mom took some of the fallen apples home for the horses. I picked some apples too and ended up with a sink full. In the kitchen, where I look around and see all the things that need to be done and all the organization that needs to happen... while the baby has an especially fussy evening. The big pile of apples in the sink just looked daunting. I started peeling and cutting the apples to make apple butter in the crock pot and had to stop a couple of times when Paxton decided he wanted attention. He finally settled down and I kept peeling. After a while, my hand started feeling like a blister was developing (wow, it's been a long time since I've done any kind of "real" manual labor haha). I was already tired of looking at the apples and my dear hubby suggested that I just not keep them all... and I considered taking that advice. But the stubborn streak showed itself. I don't like to waste things, and I had a sink full of apples.... and it wasn't like I couldn't finish the apples, I just didn't feel like it.

     So, I kept peeling and cutting. My mind wandered as I cut around the imperfections in my wild apples and I thought of a movie clip where the mom was using damaged fruit as an analogy as she cut them up and commented about them making the best pies. Isn't that the truth. The worst situations sometimes do turn out to be the sweetest. I kept peeling and cutting. I thought of the sink faucet that needed to be fixed, and the pantry that needed to be organized, and the baby's clothes drawer that needed to be sorted... and I kept peeling and cutting. 

     Even when I got to a single layer of apples in the sink, I thought about just stopping there.... but again, it wasn't that I wasn't capable of finishing, I just didn't feel like it. My thoughts turned to the pregnancy and Carys' diagnosis. It was absolutely the most difficult thing I've ever faced. I felt like giving up. Continuing the day to day routines was hard at times. I wondered if I was capable of going through it... but somehow, God gave me the strength to keep going as long as I kept trying. I didn't feel like it, but I knew it was important. Somehow finishing the apples seemed more important to me then. I thought of how many amazing things have come from our beautiful, painful experience with Carys going on to Heaven without us. If I'd given up, I wouldn't have experienced the beautiful like I did; only the painful. If I'd taken the specialist up on his obligatory offer for "selective termination," I wouldn't have learned all the lessons Carys had to teach us and I wouldn't have had the opportunity to spend the time with her that we did. I wouldn't have been able to cherish every kick and hiccup. I wouldn't have heard her sweet little noises. She may not have had the same impact on the world around her if I'd given up. I know that we made the right decision for Carys and us. It was one of the hardest things I could imagine, but at the same time, I wouldn't trade what little bit of time I had with my daughter for anything. 

     Before long, I was down to the last two tiny apples. My hand was sore, but it didn't matter as much... it was worth it to finish what I started. The funny thing is, I know I could have just gone out to buy apple butter once I used the jar I've already got in the pantry, but that's not the point. Some of the best things in this life are the things that don't come easy. Besides, now I get to smell the apples cooking, and I can't think of many scents that are more comforting than that!!

Who knew peeling apples could be so therapeutic?? :)