Exhaustion

It doesn't take much anymore to make me feel weary. Even knowing that I've come a long way in my healing and grief recovery, there is that part of me that will be forever weary. Sometimes, life seems to just keep pushing on that weary area.

As I've recently posted, there are many good things happening. I'm very excited about the foundation, I'm very much in love with my family... I am a very blessed woman.

In other areas, I can't help but feel that no matter how hard I try, it will never be enough.

I was thinking recently about the one shift I worked in the cafeteria in undergrad. I remember being at the brink of tears most of the time I was there. It wasn't the work I minded, it was that it was another tie I had created there when I felt horribly unsettled about being there. I didn't have a rational reason to give, just that I felt very out of place (in a place I had loved until then). When I tried to think of a solution, the one that gave me a great deal of peace was "simple." Transfer.

I didn't know why, but I was miserable. For whatever reason, I didn't belong where I was. After calling home in tears, my parents were supportive in allowing me to pack up and transfer to a local university where I spent the next semester. Even though I was going to classes with all new people in a place outside of my comfort zone, I felt more peace. I knew I had to go, and I went.

Looking back, there were a number of things I experienced because of that semester that seemed to be parts of the reason God was directing me there - and I do believe God was leading me there. I often wonder, though, if a big part of the reason for leaving for just the one semester was simply a lesson in following. Simply recognizing that when I had no peace where I was, it was because I needed to be elsewhere.

While I do have many blessings to count, I've also been feeling very out of place in a couple of areas. I don't feel like I can really be open about details right now, but the general idea is simple. If I'm struggling so hard in something to make it work, but no matter how hard I try, it doesn't work... Maybe i'm trying too hard at the wrong thing(s).

In college, the answer was simple. Transfer out of your comfort zone and trust. Now that I'm older, it's really not as simple. I have an idea of what changes I need to make, but I'm limited in how much I can do. My choices don't only impact me. I'm willing, I'm just feeling stuck where I don't belong while I wait for what's coming next. So, for the moment, I guess my answer is to continue to pray for wisdom, and trust.

James 1:5

New International Version (NIV)

5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

I trust that God knows where I am in my journey. He knows where I'm headed. Best of all, He sees what steps are next, even when I don't. I'm trusting... wearily... but ready to take the next step in the right direction, as soon as I have peace about what direction that may be. 

Isaiah 58:11

New International Version (NIV)

11 The Lord will guide you always;
    he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
    and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
    like a spring whose waters never fail.