Remembering the Miracles

So, three weeks into maternity leave and I’m sitting at home with no baby. I have to be honest, I’m having a hard time with it. We miss Carys, but I know she’s safe and in the arms of Love; God, Himself. Paxton is laying in his little bed in the hospital about 40 minutes away. I know he’s ok, and that the nurses there are taking good care of him, but it’s just getting harder and harder to leave him there. It helps to know that he’s not sick and we’re just waiting for him to outgrow some of the preemie concerns, but still, he’s not at home with us and that’s not easy. I don't know when, but I know he’ll be home. For now, though, the nursery is empty. Tomorrow is my first Mother’s day, and that’s not really making it any easier.

I feel like it’s only right for me to share just as much when I am really struggling. I’m trying to change my focus; it’s just not coming easily to me right now. I don’t want to focus on what’s not in my control. I know it doesn’t help anything. I want to focus on the fact that God gave us two big miracles in little packages. One miracle, we had to let go. The other will be home, even if it’s not as soon as his mommy would like.

I truly believe that satan is sneaky and manipulative and has so many tactics to distract us from God’s love and the joy that comes from knowing it. I feel like he’s been trying to distract me. Yesterday I had the fearful thought that as time goes on, Carys would be forgotten. I know her mommy and daddy will never forget her, but she made such an impact on so many, I don’t want that to be lost. I know that we, by nature, are forgetful beings. For some crazy reason, we even forget big miracles and begin to act like they never happened…. That thought really bothers me.

This brings me to think of the Israelites, wandering in the wilderness. Exodus 15 picks up right after the Egyptians were covered by the Red Sea and the Israelites were able to escape their captivity. The Israelites are rejoicing and praising God for the miracle that took place... and what a huge miracle it was! God parted the Red Sea through Moses’ willingness to be used. Emphasis on parted the Red Sea. They were able to walk across on dry ground. That’s not something I would think could be quickly forgotten. I can’t imagine a more obvious method for God to reassure His people, “Don’t worry, I’m taking care of you.”  Yet, before Exodus 15 has even concluded, the Israelites are again grumbling.

 “²² Then Moses led Israel from the Red Sea and they went into the Desert of Shur. For three days they traveled in the desert without finding water. ²³ When they came to Marah, they could not drink its water because it was bitter. (That is why the place is called Marah.^[f]) ²⁴ So the people grumbled against Moses, saying, “What are we to drink?””

Seriously? They just walked through the Red Sea…. On dry ground. And they’re whining about something to drink as if God can’t provide that too? How quickly we get distracted when our focus strays from the miracles and God’s amazing love. When things don't happen in OUR time, we tend to lose focus.

I’m still trying to focus on God’s miracles throughout this time, but I need His help. I’m tired, our schedule is so out of whack I barely know what day it is, let alone the time. I have moments where I struggle with the loss of our baby girl, and moments where I just break down because I want my son to be at home in my arms. I want to be home as a family to get settled in and move forward because right now, I feel stuck. I have a billion thoughts in my head of ways to be sure that the miracle of Carys isn’t forgotten, but I’m so stuck right now that I’m not able to move forward. I know it’ll happen in time… waiting is just never really easy. I look forward to the timelessness of Heaven, where we won’t have to stress over timing issues or wait for good things, or miss those we’ve lost. I’m homesick for Heaven, but I want to make the most of the time I have here on this earth while I’ve got it.

Heavenly Father, I pray that you would help us to find the strength to keep going forward, even when we feel stuck. I pray that you would help us to remain focused on your miracles, peace, and comfort. Help me, Father, to not allow satan to distract me from your truth and your Love. I know you still have big plans for our future, plans for hope and to prosper us. I’m humbled to think about how you may want to use me and pray that I can fulfill my part in your plan. Thank you, Father, for your presence and your miracles. Please help me stay focused on you.

In Christ’s Holy name,

Amen.