Saturday, May 7, 2011

Remembering the Miracles

So, three weeks into maternity leave and I’m sitting at home with no baby. I have to be honest, I’m having a hard time with it. We miss Carys, but I know she’s safe and in the arms of Love; God, Himself. Paxton is laying in his little bed in the hospital about 40 minutes away. I know he’s ok, and that the nurses there are taking good care of him, but it’s just getting harder and harder to leave him there. It helps to know that he’s not sick and we’re just waiting for him to outgrow some of the preemie concerns, but still, he’s not at home with us and that’s not easy. I don't know when, but I know he’ll be home. For now, though, the nursery is empty. Tomorrow is my first Mother’s day, and that’s not really making it any easier.

I feel like it’s only right for me to share just as much when I am really struggling. I’m trying to change my focus; it’s just not coming easily to me right now. I don’t want to focus on what’s not in my control. I know it doesn’t help anything. I want to focus on the fact that God gave us two big miracles in little packages. One miracle, we had to let go. The other will be home, even if it’s not as soon as his mommy would like.

I truly believe that satan is sneaky and manipulative and has so many tactics to distract us from God’s love and the joy that comes from knowing it. I feel like he’s been trying to distract me. Yesterday I had the fearful thought that as time goes on, Carys would be forgotten. I know her mommy and daddy will never forget her, but she made such an impact on so many, I don’t want that to be lost. I know that we, by nature, are forgetful beings. For some crazy reason, we even forget big miracles and begin to act like they never happened…. That thought really bothers me.

This brings me to think of the Israelites, wandering in the wilderness. Exodus 15 picks up right after the Egyptians were covered by the Red Sea and the Israelites were able to escape their captivity. The Israelites are rejoicing and praising God for the miracle that took place... and what a huge miracle it was! God parted the Red Sea through Moses’ willingness to be used. Emphasis on parted the Red Sea. They were able to walk across on dry ground. That’s not something I would think could be quickly forgotten. I can’t imagine a more obvious method for God to reassure His people, “Don’t worry, I’m taking care of you.”  Yet, before Exodus 15 has even concluded, the Israelites are again grumbling.

 22 Then Moses led Israel from the Red Sea and they went into the Desert of Shur. For three days they traveled in the desert without finding water. 23 When they came to Marah, they could not drink its water because it was bitter. (That is why the place is called Marah.[f]) 24 So the people grumbled against Moses, saying, “What are we to drink?””

Seriously? They just walked through the Red Sea…. On dry ground. And they’re whining about something to drink as if God can’t provide that too? How quickly we get distracted when our focus strays from the miracles and God’s amazing love. When things don't happen in OUR time, we tend to lose focus.

I’m still trying to focus on God’s miracles throughout this time, but I need His help. I’m tired, our schedule is so out of whack I barely know what day it is, let alone the time. I have moments where I struggle with the loss of our baby girl, and moments where I just break down because I want my son to be at home in my arms. I want to be home as a family to get settled in and move forward because right now, I feel stuck. I have a billion thoughts in my head of ways to be sure that the miracle of Carys isn’t forgotten, but I’m so stuck right now that I’m not able to move forward. I know it’ll happen in time… waiting is just never really easy. I look forward to the timelessness of Heaven, where we won’t have to stress over timing issues or wait for good things, or miss those we’ve lost. I’m homesick for Heaven, but I want to make the most of the time I have here on this earth while I’ve got it.

Heavenly Father, I pray that you would help us to find the strength to keep going forward, even when we feel stuck. I pray that you would help us to remain focused on your miracles, peace, and comfort. Help me, Father, to not allow satan to distract me from your truth and your Love. I know you still have big plans for our future, plans for hope and to prosper us. I’m humbled to think about how you may want to use me and pray that I can fulfill my part in your plan. Thank you, Father, for your presence and your miracles. Please help me stay focused on you.
In Christ’s Holy name,


Anonymous said...

I want you to know I will be praying for you! My heart breaks for you. I can't imagine what you are going through. As I read your post I am so touched by your words and the songs. It makes me stop and realize how much I complain over the little trials I go through and shouldn't. Again your faith amazes me and you are such a inspiration. Hang in there. You will never forget your little girl, don't worry about that. A mommy can't forget her baby. Love and prayers.

Erin said...

Carys will NEVER be forgotten. I can say this because I share a birthday with the babies :-) I pray that everyone who has been touched by Carys' life won't forget either.

Thank you for continuing to share your faith and life with us. I am blessed to call you my friend and sister in Christ. The lesson that you just shared is one that I needed. I should remember to focus on Christ and tell satan to take a back-seat. Sometimes in my humanness, it's hard to see that and remember.

Sending you lots of love and hugs! And praying that Paxton can come home soon :-)

Crystal said...


You and Aaron are such and ispiration and Carys will not be forgotten...... She thru you and Aaron have made such a big impact on any of us and you alone with your Testimony and blogs have touched my life and I reflect on how blessed we are and we may not know why things happen and we may not be ablt to control them but we have to trust that the Lord will take care of us and we will see all of our loved ones that have went before us again.....I love you guys and I hope your first mothers day is amazing.... We will see you at Church..

Becca Jackson said...

My Sister's first child was a preemie and she had to leave him behind for a month. It was one of the most difficult things she has ever been through. It's very hard to be a Mommy and have empty arms, but these few short days you are apart can't compare to the years of happiness and joy Paxton will bring to you. It is wonderful that you speak your heart and are honest about your feelings. Never beat yourself up over that, ok? We are still an army of sisters and brothers in Christ praying for you, and for your little man too. :) I woke up this morning with you on my heart, and I've never seen you face to face, but you are my sister and I love you dearly.
I'll be praying for you today my friend.

Crystal said...

Carys will NOT be forgotten. She has had too big of an impact on too many people's lives. I think of you all often and pray that things will get easier for you to bare. Every single time I step out my front door and see my Rose of Sharon you gave me, I think of her. She will always be in the heart of many. Praying for you and Hoping you have a Happy 1st Mother's Day!
Crystal Newell

Anonymous said...

You are not experiencing anything every new mommy has'nt faced. There are so many emotions when those "after the birth" hormones go out of whack. It doesn't mean anything other than you are human, and like everything else in our lives, this to shall pass. You will feel anxious even after you get Paxton home, because you are a mom. There are so many emotions and experiences that go along with being a mom, and with each year that passes those all change to match the time you are at in your child's life. It's a wonderfully marvelous time that has highs and lows just like a carnival ride, but the joys that go along with watching them grow makes everything just fine. Just wait until he first says mom, and watch Aaron when dad comes out of that precious little mouth. HE'LL MELT! Josh isn't our son by birth, but when he called Tim "dad" for the first time it was so amazing to watch his countenance change, and all from one little word. It's an amazing journey you have started on and the emotions go along with it. You're not doubting God, it's just part of the journey, and God will always be part of your journey, because you are His child. Just think how he feels when we call Him FATHER. I love you and I think of you quite often. If I'd ever had a little sister I would have wanted her to be just like you.

Lara said...

I think of Carys every time it rains ( and that is a lot lately!) It makes me smile and I just think of the many showers of blessings. I think of how much we all talked to God over this beautiful little girl. She is a quiet reminder to be to be thankful for all we have been given. Thank you for sharing your testimony. You are a blessing to my heart.

kimberlykayross said...

I was thinking of you on Mother's Day. I remember my first Mother's Day I was discharged from the hospital but had to leave my baby there. Only someone who has had to leave their baby in the hospital truly understands the pain and emotions that brings. I pray that you will be able to look back on these times and see how God has helped you through them and that you all have grown from them! You are a truly amazing women Keri Ann! I love you!

Holly said...

Like you said, Carys will never be forgotten by you and Aaron-the people who love her the most in this world. Her memory will always live on through you and the things you do in honor of her. It can be a struggle learning how to live this life without your baby. I think it is something you never really learn completely how to do. But God takes care of us and as long as you keep trusting in Him you will get through each day.