This year seems to have hit pretty hard. I realized that, because of the holiday timing, I go through all the "anniversaries" twice. The monday before Easter, I was admitted to Labor & Delivery with preterm labor. Thursday morning, the babies arrived. Good friday felt dark and lonely. Easter Sunday was bittersweet... painful and joyful, yet somehow very, very fitting. This week, I'm going through the emotions again. The 18th marked the anniversary of when I was admitted to Labor & Delivery... 21st was when they were born and she went to Heaven ... It's like I hit rewind and play again.
I'm feeling a bit emotionally drained as we are looking at Paxton and Carys' 6th birthday tomorrow. Paxton is getting so big. It amazes me to watch him learn and grow. Kiddo knows more about dinosaurs than I've ever known... he's continually sharing random dinosaur facts and spouting out dino names that are definitely new to me... along with facts about them, like what their names mean, which ones were biggest, which ones were herbivores, carnivores, or omnivores... which one had the biggest claw, or runs the fastest... He's reading well beyond Kindergarten level, loves science and all things Star Wars... still gets excited about dogs, and ... well... he still amazes me. As always, it's bittersweet to think about him not being tiny anymore, and to look at him in all his big boy-ness... just a jumble of emotions.
I went to a little girl's birthday party saturday... didn't think much about it. It may not have been a good idea. I wanted the boys to go play with other kids, and I wanted the chance to visit with the other adults. The timing probably wasn't best... I cried about the whole way home, missing my girl. It's hard to not think about all of the "if she were here..." thoughts. The lack of little girl toys, the lack of Easter dresses and pigtails.... the lack of her hugs and kisses. 6 years don't take away that pain. We still have joy and peace, but her absence still hurts too. We've not forgotten her, we just keep moving forward.
As we move forward, I still long for Heaven, and I'm still beyond thankful that I KNOW it's real. I touched it, after all. I felt it. All those ruffled dresses at Easter have nothing on what I'm sure my baby girl has there. I mean... what my big girl has there. :) After all, she's 6 tomorrow.
Time to go work on dinosaur cupcakes and a volcano display for tomorrow's party. I have an excited little dino expert snoozing in his bunkbed!