Tuesday, June 19, 2012

I'm OK.

"How are you doing?"

For such a long time, that was a very difficult question to answer. People would ask (genuinely or to be polite) and my brain would scramble to find an honest response. I started to really hate being asked. There were times I didn't FEEL okay, even though I still knew I was.

The response in my head was always two-toned. I was blessed and I was devastated. To respond with one seemed to devalue the other. I was at peace and I was pained. I was heartbroken and yet still thankful. I was exhausted, and had some pretty significant work-related anxiety for a while, but I was amazed at how God was working.

There were times I'd say "OK" just because it was easier than having to go into what all I did feel. Some people really want to know, others do not. There were also times that I couldn't say I was OK without feeling like I was lying. I was struggling to function. I started saying something like, "I'll be okay." I trusted I would feel okay again eventually, but I wasn't then.

Sometimes I wonder, What would feeling "great" really mean? I feel blessed and thankful, but I'm not sure "great" will ever be my answer anymore (This side of Heaven, anyway). But I'm okay with that. I have so much to be thankful for. I feel loved and amazed by God's presence. I feel hopeful and excited about God's plans.

There are still difficult days when the impact of the whole journey just seems to hit me full force again, and days where every little thing reminds me of how much I miss my sweet little Carys Rainn. Last night, I got all choked up and teary reading "Piglet's Rainy Day" to Paxton. It was one of the only things I bought for Paxton while I was pregnant (other than necessities) and I've read it to him many times, but last night it just hit me differently.

"It rained for days and days and days." Wow. I've been there.

"And each day he gets a little more anxious as the rain creeps higher and higher." Some days I felt like I was going to drown in it all.

"Piglet wonders if someone might come and rescue him if he writes a message, puts it in a bottle, and throws it in the water." Piglet's cries for help made their way to Christopher Robin. Mine made their way to Christ.

Piglet and I Both survived the flood. We're OK, and we're blessed.

Some days I will still cry at the smallest thing, but I'm okay with that. I'm blessed and I'm thankful.

455590: Piglet"s Rainy Day Piglet's Rainy Day
By Penguin Putnam Inc.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Sometimes it still feels fresh.

A major part of life as a Maranomi is feeling like a basket case. My tear-filled days are fewer and farther between, but they still come. I think they always will on this side of Heaven. All weekend though, I had little things that would just trigger the thoughts about everything that has happened since December of 2010.

I've thought a lot about the struggles during those first few months as Paxton spent 3 weeks in the NICU and I had battles with the breast pump. The sleepless nights. The tears and tissues. The anxiety over going back to work. Trips to the cemetery.

It's all been on my mind and it all feels so fresh sometimes.

We've had a temporary marker at Carys' grave since the one provided by the cemetery was removed on short notice. It was recently removed because it didn't go by the "rules" of mowing season since it wasn't actually a headstone. I discovered it missing on Mother's Day and to say it was hurtful would be an understatement. I had to look around briefly for her grave, and for a split-second, I had a horrible feeling of panic sweep over me. I wondered if it was similar to how the women must have felt when they reached Jesus' tomb to find his body was no longer there.

I knew her grave was still there, and the panic lasted only briefly, but it was there and it left its mark.

Thankfully, after speaking with someone at the cemetery, we have found a temporary solution, but I still need to decide on a headstone soon. It's not that I haven't thought about it, it's that nothing seems to fit. I even spoke with someone about having a custom headstone made, but it isn't going to work. So, once again I'm looking for headstone ideas. I am looking for an image I have in mind because the standard headstone clipart just seems cheesy to me. It doesn't fit my baby girl. I have a good idea of what I want, I just have to figure out how and where to have it done, keeping the budget in mind.

It's so tempting to be angry, but it just hurts. I don't want to be trying to pick out a headstone. I want to be picking out sweet little dresses and hairbows. I miss my girl.

"Be still and know, that I am God." 
Psalm 46:10