Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Sometimes it still feels fresh.

A major part of life as a Maranomi is feeling like a basket case. My tear-filled days are fewer and farther between, but they still come. I think they always will on this side of Heaven. All weekend though, I had little things that would just trigger the thoughts about everything that has happened since December of 2010.

I've thought a lot about the struggles during those first few months as Paxton spent 3 weeks in the NICU and I had battles with the breast pump. The sleepless nights. The tears and tissues. The anxiety over going back to work. Trips to the cemetery.

It's all been on my mind and it all feels so fresh sometimes.

We've had a temporary marker at Carys' grave since the one provided by the cemetery was removed on short notice. It was recently removed because it didn't go by the "rules" of mowing season since it wasn't actually a headstone. I discovered it missing on Mother's Day and to say it was hurtful would be an understatement. I had to look around briefly for her grave, and for a split-second, I had a horrible feeling of panic sweep over me. I wondered if it was similar to how the women must have felt when they reached Jesus' tomb to find his body was no longer there.

I knew her grave was still there, and the panic lasted only briefly, but it was there and it left its mark.

Thankfully, after speaking with someone at the cemetery, we have found a temporary solution, but I still need to decide on a headstone soon. It's not that I haven't thought about it, it's that nothing seems to fit. I even spoke with someone about having a custom headstone made, but it isn't going to work. So, once again I'm looking for headstone ideas. I am looking for an image I have in mind because the standard headstone clipart just seems cheesy to me. It doesn't fit my baby girl. I have a good idea of what I want, I just have to figure out how and where to have it done, keeping the budget in mind.

It's so tempting to be angry, but it just hurts. I don't want to be trying to pick out a headstone. I want to be picking out sweet little dresses and hairbows. I miss my girl.





"Be still and know, that I am God." 
Psalm 46:10

3 comments:

Jenny said...

sending love and prayers for peace ~ love you real friend

Holly said...

I wish they would've told you that they had removed it. :( I hope you can find a headstone that fits your little girl. I know it's not easy having to pick one out or even think about it.

Erin said...

I am thankful that you were able to get everything back that was at Carys' grave. I hope and pray that you are able to find or make a headstone that is fitting for Carys.