So, Paxton is doing well but mommy's having a tough time. We thought we'd have him home with us today but his doctor called this morning to say she wanted to watch him for 2 or three more days before sending him home. He had another episode yesterday where his heart rate dropped low while we were feeding him. It's a preemie thing and he'll grow out of it soon, but she wasn't comfortable releasing him yet because of how low it had dropped. I'll be honest, knowing he's doing that made it scary for me to think about having him home without a monitor to let us know when he does it. She said when she does send him home, she may send him home on a monitor for a while, which would make me feel better (if we know when he's doing it, all we have to do is stop feeding him for a bit, sit him up, and pat his back so he'll remember to breathe... he just has to figure out the coordination of eating and breathing at the same time). I know it'll be OK.. but I'm just having a really hard time not having him with me today. Some days are just harder than others, but I know I just have to go along with it, even when it's not easy.
Throughout this whole journey, I've had people tell me I'm strong or that I'm brave. Honestly, I don't feel like I'm either. I have sufficient strength because God's presence is continually with me, but I'm not strong. As far as being brave... I don't feel like that really fits either. Bravery, to me, implies that we chose to tackle this journey. The way I see it is that we have been presented with a challenging and difficult situation. We weren't given the option to choose whether or not we wanted to face it, we just had to keep going, and there was no way around it. The choice we did have, however, was how we were going to face it. I saw two choices. One: be bitter and resent God for allowing it to happen; or two: embrace it with trust that God loves us enough to have plans for us to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). I decided early on that I couldn't choose the first option. I've seen many bitter, resentful people in my life and career and I don't want to become one. I can only imagine how much more difficult this journey would have been and would continue to be if we'd chosen that approach. When we allow bitterness and resentment to take over, we focus only on selfish misery and don't allow ourselves the opportunities to see the rainbows through the rain. If we'd allowed ourselves to become bitter, we would have missed out on the joy of our little girl... we would have wasted what precious time we had with her.
We chose to embrace God's plans for us. We read about God's perfect love for us all throughout scripture. We know God's love is self-less and He wants good things for us. It's easy to question that at times, but that's where faith comes in. Either scripture is true, or it's not, and I personally believe it's absolutely true. It all fits together too perfectly to not be. Therefore, I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that God allows things to happen in our lives because He knows the rest of the story. I KNOW That because He loves us enough to let His son die in our place... He's not going to do something to destroy us. He's not selfish, he doesn't play games with us. He loves us. That's enough for me. I can trust that whatever He allows to be in front of us, He has good reason for it. He never promised life in this world would be easy, but then again, it seems like the most rewarding things in life aren't.