How on earth have four years passed?
Paxton has been very excited to be turning four and no longer considered a toddler according to age cut-offs at the library's story time. "I'm four. (pause) I'm four!!"
I think of my girl often, but these days, there are generally much fewer tears, and more anticipation of Heaven. I didn't expect this year to hit me hard.
Even so, I have had my moments. Last night, it seemed like a video played in my head on repeat of the night before the twins were born and all the raw emotion I've shared about in other blog posts. Paxton even picked up the frame with the picture of us holding him and his sister in the NICU and was commenting on it- he never does that.
There have been reminders everywhere I look. Other little girls her age, the yellow Easter dress at the front of the store a while back, every milestone Paxton reaches... I miss my girl. I miss getting to experience all those milestones with her too.
At the same time, even though I miss her and tears fall- I'm genuinely okay. I long for Heaven, but I have peace and grace for the moment.
I took the boys to story time at the library, and the whole time we were out today, I watched the sky. It's been so rainy, and the sun kept peeking out, so I thought I'd have to see a rainbow at some point... but I didn't. I stopped at the cemetery coming back into town and smiled as tears came to my eyes seeing all the little purple and yellow flowers again. They'd made me smile when we chose the plot for Carys, and I remember picking a few to take with me.
It was only a brief visit. Aaron called while I was there, not knowing I'd stopped. I appreciated hearing his voice on the other end.
As I was about to turn onto the main road to leave the cemetery, a few raindrops hit the window. Then, my phone rang. It was a local florist asking if I would be home for a delivery. After I hung up, I saw the time and realized that I'd been at the cemetery at 3:34- Carys' official time of.... entry into Heaven. :)
When the delivery arrived, my dear friend Kelly (
Andrew's mom, from Andrew's Angels!) had sent a balloon and puppy to Paxton and these pretty yellow flowers in memory of Carys. Paxton fell asleep snuggled up with Gus, his new puppy (which quickly joined the litter of puppies that have already taken up residence in his bed).
When I signed into facebook, I noticed the trending topics and that a QUADRUPLE RAINBOW had been sighted in Long Island.
Pretty incredible, right? Quadruple Rainbow?? I didn't even know that was a thing! Two friends shared the link on my page.
(and notice that another friend shared the link about our foundation's 2nd annual 5k and it showed up in the news feed right below)
The point of all of this play-by-play post is that God knows what we need when we need it. The pain of loss has really stung this year, but throughout the whole day, I have had friends and family sending me messages, commenting on my facebook wall, etc., acknowledging the birth of BOTH of my babies. I'm sure all of the baby loss moms will especially understand how appreciated and validating that is. I'm not the only one who remembers her. She really was here and really did make an impact.
Even more, though, today is a reminder that God meets our needs, whether physical, spiritual, or emotional. He knew our hearts and arms are aching, and He sent loved ones our way to remind us that our grief matters, even four years later.
***God always has a loving plan. For more information about what is going on through The Carys Rainn Foundation, Inc., visit
www.carysrainn.org and be sure to sign up for our mailing list so you know when we make new announcements!
