When I was still pregnant with the twins, I purchased a couple of little sound recorders to go in teddy bears. I recorded Paxton and Carys' heartbeats at one of our appointments and recorded Carys' onto one of the recorders. I'd intended to put it in a Teddy Bear and just hadn't found the right bear and the time to do it. Today, I did.
In some of my old things a few months ago, I'd found a cute little teddy bear that was just the right size. Almost exactly the same length as Carys. I dressed the bear in a too-big outfit that had been purchased for Carys and it affectionately became known as "The Carys Bear." It even made an appearance in recent family photos and photos of the boys.
After trying a couple different methods last night and today, I was able to weight the bear so it weighs right at 3 lbs - Carys' birthweight.
It's so strange how good that 3 lbs feels to hold. Maybe it's just been the season. The anniversaries of diagnosis were in December and this time of year brings back some very difficult emotions. I've been missing Carys more than "normal." At church last Sunday, I watched as Paxton ran and played with a little girl his age and laughed to myself about how cute they looked playing together. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, it hit me that he doesn't have that with his sister.
While I know that it is pointless to dwell on the what-if's, there are some moments that hit me out of the blue and just about bring me to my knees. That was one. I had to leave the room for a while to pull myself together.
Grief is funny like that. There I was, feeling happy, peaceful, and enjoying the moment when the intense, familiar feelings of grief ambushed me. Ambushed. Quite the appropriate word for it. I still feel happy, and still have peace, but I've had more of those moments than normal over the past month or so, leading to progress on "The Carys Bear."
I'd have thought that holding her weight would have prompted an ambush, but instead, it makes me smile. It feels good. As strange as that may sound. Hearing her heartbeat is comforting. It's been nearly 4 years, but she was here, and I am so grateful for that. She most definitely was here.
It is always comforting to me to create things. I've been thoroughly enjoying crafting Christmas gifts, items for etsy, things for Paxton (the little clay Olaf for his "frozen" tree was one of my recent favorites)... and the Carys bear.
I think there's something to that! God is a very creative being. He also created us in His own image. Wouldn't that mean that we each have some creativity inside of us? For some, it may be art, others music, or writing. Some cook, and some generate ideas. I truly believe everyone has the innate desire to create something, even if they have difficulty finding their niche.
With that said, the word "Create" is my one word for the year. Last year, it was anticipate, and it was fitting for the year.
What is your one word for 2015?