Friday, June 3, 2011

"There should be two."

I've found that I don't sit in the nursery very often. I love the rocker/glider in there, but it seems like every time I sit in it, I look around the room and think about the nursery we'd planned- the one with two cribs. It's easy to start thinking things like, "There should be two cribs,"  "There should be little girl things in here," or "I should be rocking them both." I have to admit, those thoughts hurt. But, it seems that as quickly as they come, I hear God speaking to my heart to say, "I had other plans for her... she IS where she should be."

It seems like we always have an idea in our minds about what things should look like. We base it on what others tell us, on past experience, or on what we see (in media or life in general). When we found out we were having twins, we naturally started imagining what we thought it was going to be like. Though the thought was a bit overwhelming, we were excited. I was excited. Others made comments about how we'd have our hands full... like it was a bad thing... but I welcomed the challenge. I was looking forward to it. When we learned of Carys' diagnosis, all of that changed. Comments (by the unknowing) about us having our hands full with twins became heartbreaking. It wasn't how it was "supposed" to be. We should have had our hands full; because that's what we'd pictured. We thought that was the plan. In reality, Carys had a much different purpose here.

I think it all goes back to our human desire for things to be predictable and stable. Even those of us who love spontaneity expect things to work out as we plan (even if the plans are last minute). It can be difficult to process and accept when it doesn't happen the way we've pictured. I've written before about the natural tendency we all have to desire control over something. It seems like even our desire for control is a desire to know that something we do will have a predictable outcome. It makes us feel safe. This world can feel very un-safe sometimes, and not knowing what is going to happen can be scary. After all, isn't fear just anxiety about the unknown?

Situations we can control (that work out as we plan and picture them) help us feel more secure, but if we had control over every situation, how would that work out in reality? We have such a limited view of the world, and of life in general. We see things from a very small perspective in the grand scheme of things. I think I've shared the analogy before that a philosophy professor of mine shared in an undergrad class, but just in case I haven't, here it is: To think about time on earth, as we know it, picture yourself standing beside a street to watch a parade. You wait for the parade to begin, then watch each float, one by one, as it passes in front of you. Now, to think of God's point of view, imagine being at the top of a tall building to watch the parade. From that perspective, the parade is visible from beginning to end, without waiting. That's "time" outside of this world. That's how God sees it. He knows what's at the end of the parade when we are still watching the first float. If we were to have control over every situation, while only seeing one float at a time, we may not be prepared for what comes next. This is where faith comes in.

Hebrews 11:1
New International Version (NIV)
Faith in Action
1 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.New International Version (NIV)
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica

It's always tempting to allow ourselves to dwell on what we think "should" be. Other people "should" be nicer.     Our cars "should" run properly. The order "should" be filled as requested. It "should" be easier than this. Who says things "should" go like we want them to all the time? Some of our shoulds would be nice to have, but there's no law that says it has to be that way. We may be more comfortable if every situation went our way... for a while. However, if we want to have whatever God has planned for us in this life, we have to be able to accept the good with the bad. If we want God to bless us, we have to let go of our desire for control and let Him call the shots... after all, He sees the end of the parade when we don't.

James 1:2-4
New International Version (NIV)
Trials and Temptations 
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
New International Version (NIV)
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica

If things had gone how I'd imagined them, I'd be rocking both of my babies to sleep. There would be two cribs, two bouncy seats, two car seats; two of everything. We'd have our hands full but I would be snuggling with both of my children (and Kleenex sales wouldn't have had such a sharp rise over the past few months!). As much as I miss Carys and wish that was the plan, it wasn't. It's hard. I'm at peace with what has happened, but it doesn't make me not miss my baby girl. Even when I miss her the most, though, I have faith that God is working. I've said it before, and I'm sure I'll say it for the rest of my life, but Carys was intentionally created just the way she was. She was so perfect... and her purpose here has only just begun. Carys was created exactly how Carys should be... and I'm going to continue to trust that God loves us and knows exactly what He's doing.


beth said...

Love you so much!

Erin said...

*hugs* Yes, Carys was so perfect. And she continues to be.

Holly said...

I think you'll always wonder how it would've been if only she had lived. I know I do. Kinda hard not to when you have those reminders.

I like the analogy you shared. God does know the bigger picture and I know I completely trust His will in my life no matter what, even if it hurts.

Keri Kitchen said...

Holly, I'm sure I will. I'm ok with imagining what if... but can't let myself dwell on the idea that she "should" be here... I think that would only lead to bitterness, and I refuse to become bitter. If I became bitter, it would rob from her purpose here.
and I know you understand all of this... I know Carleigh was just as much a miracle for you as Carys was for us. :) can't wait to see them in Heaven!!