It's been so long since I posted on this particular blog that I nearly forgot where to click to add a post. In all fairness, I have been using wordpress for other blogs for quite some time.
I went to visit my girl today and took her some flowers that Pax chose for her.
I have also been doing lots of cleaning and organizing, and came across a note pad from sometime in 2011, shortly after the twins were born. As I flipped through it, I found the following:
Obviously, these thoughts didn't make it to the blog at the time.
There was a period of time that I felt like I was lying every time I said, "I'm okay." I justified it to myself by saying, "well, in some ways, I'm okay... I mean... what does it really MEAN to say I'm okay, anyway? It's all relative...."
Still, I didn't really feel okay. I also didn't want to worry those around me who cared, or seem like I was just seeking sympathy or pity.
I was struggling. Clearly.
I know the comment about clients "who are too selfish to parent" seems very harsh... that's where I was at the time. I didn't mean it harshly, it was just written out of hurt. I was working with clients who would tell me that they weren't doing what they needed to do to regain custody of their children. I worked to try to encourage and motivate, but seriously... it hurt.
God had different plans for me than He did them, though.
God always has a loving plan... even when it hurts.
I'm not really sure why I'm sharing this now... maybe someone else can relate to not feeling "okay." Maybe someone needs to feel less alone, and have some hope that even though things may not feel okay now, they can improve.
I'm truly "okay" now. I miss my girl, of course, and I am forever changed, but I'm out of the grief fog and moving on, taking her memory with me.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."