After The Rainn

Historic Tornadoes

2012-03-02T19:06:00.002-08:00

The news called tonight's outbreak of tornadoes "historic." There were tornadoes to the north of us and tornadoes to the south. There has been so much destruction, especially in the community of West Liberty, Ky. We watched the storm tracker on the local news from the hallway, since the safest room of our house would be the bathroom nearby, in the center of the house with no windows. It's a sick, helpless feeling to watch it on the screen, knowing there is nothing we can do about it.

My mind raced to think of people who may not have heard just how bad the storms were, but there's no way to call EVERYONE. I prayed. I realized how tense I was when the storm was past us and I started to breathe easier again. Paxton played, then fell asleep.

Two things really stood out to me as I watched my baby sleep and watched the storm crawling over the tri-state area on the weather maps.

I thought about how stressed I felt during the storm and how peaceful Paxton was. He had no idea of the danger that raged such a relatively short distance from our home. I wonder how much God protects us from knowing. When we want our why's answered, or our wants met... God knows what He's protecting us from when He says "no", or nothing at all.

I also thought about the helpless feeling. When tornadoes are coming, it's easy to fear for the safety of your loved ones (especially when you know they're out in it, trying to get home). It was also a check for me. I know what's coming, and I know there are so many people who are not prepared. We never know when we will go out into eternity, and I know I have a duty to encourage as many people as possible to seek out the love of God. God has a plan for each of us. God has a plan for you. His plan includes a life in Heaven when you've left this world, but if you don't accept that gift, you'll never see the peaceful beauty of Heaven. The gift is there, He's already provided it for you. You have the choice to ignore it or take it and find an eternal joy. I know I have loved ones who aren't ready. I know I have readers who aren't ready. There's a storm coming. Please.... listen to what God has to tell you! Be still and watchful. God has something for you to see!!! HE Loves YOU.

**** Please be praying for all affected. ****

The old normal isn't comfortable anymore.

2012-02-20T19:02:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow makes 10 months since the babies were born. I woke up today feeling very nostalgic. I don't know what kind of dreams I was having, but I woke up feeling like everything was still fresh. So, since this morning, I've been longing for some way to bring back the closeness to both my babies; a scent, a memory, something tangible. I feel like I'm losing that closeness and I don't like it.

Sounds so strange. It's like for the time during and right after the pregnancy, everything else stood still and Heaven was closer. I've been feeling "better" lately, like I'm functioning at a more normal pace and the dark, weighted fog has lifted. The problem is that everything didn't really stand still, it kept moving forward. So, now I'm struggling to catch up, but I really don't want to catch up in the old normal. I changed and I don't belong there anymore. I can't pretend I didn't change.

I'm thankful that God still has plans. We're working on our part of those plans and would appreciate your prayers. The old normal isn't comfortable anymore. I know God has something different planned, I look forward to seeing how it all pans out.

"Riddle Me This"

2012-02-13T21:05:00.000-08:00

Time for something new... and very different than my normal posts... but a chance for a giveaway!

Einstein, Warhol, Keller, and Jung,

a common tie did bond.

Churchill, Rush, and Gable knew,

one whose year held fond.

a pilot point assembly joined

through a separation;

from a state of same did rise

a call to remember the historic.

now you have the who and when,

the what and where did follow.

answer these to win a prize,

or ask, your pride to swallow.

If anyone can figure it out, I'll have some kind of prize for you.

After all, I do have a box that has been accumulating prize options!

good luck!

"The vast uncluttered wilderness"

2012-01-31T20:32:00.000-08:00

"In the starkness and simplicity of the vast uncluttered wilderness, Jesus interpreted his existence and his mission in the world at a new and decisive level and emerged from the desert with the Breath of God on his face." (Pg 121, Brennan Manning, The Importance of Being Foolish: How to think like Jesus).

As I was reading The Importance of Being Foolish, that line stood out to me. He was talking about Jesus' time of temptation in the desert after fasting, and how satan searched for an area of weakness by focusing on questioning Jesus' identity. "If you are the Son..."

During the trials we face, our identity does come into question. When our world is shaken, we are forced to grasp for something that solidly defines who we are - something that will keep us grounded on a firm foundation. In the middle of a trial, the trivial things of this world no longer matter. If the ship is sinking, the new pair of shoes you just bought really doesn't matter, but the life vest does. Doesn't it?

"In the starkness and simplicity of the vast uncluttered wilderness..." Nothing else mattered. Jesus was in a position to cling firmly to what He knew to be true... that He was, is, and always will be the Son of God.

Our journey has led us to a point where many of the little things really hold no significance to us anymore. Our perspectives have changed. Our ship went down and we had to start over by clinging to our life vests. I know who I am. I know where I'm headed, even if I don't know the details about the journey from here to there. I know the Heavenly Father has a plan, and I have a better understanding of what He expects of us. I'm amazed at how He has met our needs without failing us for even a moment. I know that through whatever happens, He will never abandon us. When you realize you're standing on the threshold of eternity, so many things in life just fade away into the "vast uncluttered wilderness."

Funny how a silly little thing like a sinking ship can change your point of view. What are you going to grab before the ship goes down?

The Importance of Being Foolish: How to Think Like Jesus

By Brennan Manning / Zondervan/HarperCollins Publishers

In the eyes of the world, Jesus was a fool. He did not abide by the rules of his day; the people he associated with were shunned by society; his Sermon on the Mount reads like a primer on being left behind, stepped on, and ignored. In order for us to truly be the people Jesus wants us to be, we too must learn to become "foolish."
Becoming a Christian is not a magical enterprise by which we are automatically transformed into better people. We must train to become who God intends us to be. In The Importance of Being Foolish, Manning teaches us how to think like Jesus. By reorienting our lives according to the gospel, we may appear to be fools in the eyes of the world, but Manning reveals that this is exactly what Jesus wants.
In a powerful exploration of the mind of Christ, Manning reveals how our obsession with security, pleasure, and power prevents us from living rich and meaningful lives. Our endless struggle to acquire money, good feelings, and prestige yields a rich harvest of worry, frustration, and resentment. Manning explores what Christ's mind was truly focused on: finding the Father, compassion for others, a heart of forgiveness, and the work of the kingdom.
Coming from the gentle yet compelling voice of Brennan Manning, The Importance of Being Foolish is a refreshing reminder of the radical call of Jesus and the transforming love of God.

Sanctity of Life

2012-01-22T14:33:00.000-08:00

I had started writing the following thoughts while preparing to speak at an area church a few months ago on the topic of abortion and sanctity of life. Today is Sanctity of Human Life Sunday, marking the anniversary of the Roe v. Wade decision which legalized abortion in the U.S. (in earlier months without limitation and later months with some restrictions). I thought that now may be the ideal time to share these thoughts.

__________________________________

I have many memories from my childhood and teen years of various “pro-life” events. I remember sitting with my parents at the Friends For Life booth at the county fair, and the January trips to Washington D.C. for the Rally and March for Life on the anniversary of Roe-vs.-Wade. As long as I can remember, we were somehow involved in pro-life efforts.

I’ve heard many arguments in favor of abortion, and many rebuttals against those arguments. Perhaps the most common argument I’ve heard is, “Well, you don’t know unless you’ve had to choose.” I can honestly say now that I do know.

When you think of the reasons someone might be in a position to choose an abortion over life, you may think of many reasons you're heard. An unplanned pregnancy may result from carelessness or poor judgment, failed birth control, or even rape. Abortion may be given as an option in a planned pregnancy if there is an abnormality or birth defect. Occasionally, it may be a case in which the mother’s life is considered to be in danger, though these situations seem to be argued much more often than they actually occur. Over all, the reasons primarily boil down to either inconvenience or emotional turmoil.

About two years ago, my husband and I decided that we were ready to start a family. After about a year, we finally got the first positive line on a home pregnancy test. We were absolutely thrilled. We loved our baby immediately. I secretly hoped for twins, though it had been a joke with our mothers since we became a couple that we were going to have redheaded twin girls. At the first ultrasound, we were shocked to learn that there really were two babies growing inside. It was a strange mix of emotions, but above all, we were immediately in love with our babies.

On December 15^th, at about 16 weeks gestation, our doctor expressed some concerns that our daughter (though at the time she was known as “Baby B”) hadn’t developed properly. He told us about a neural tube defect called Anencephaly. It’s a defect that occurs within the first month of pregnancy when the neural tube should be closing but doesn’t, leaving the skull open and brain exposed. It’s always fatal. “Incompatible with life” is the term they use. Our doctor referred us to a high risk specialist in Lexington for the following week to confirm.

On December 21^st, the fear was confirmed and we knew that one of our babies would be incapable of surviving after birth. I don’t think I have the words to describe the devastation that we felt. We wanted both of our babies. The specialist promptly began discussing our options and any risks. He told us that we could do “selective termination,” terminate the entire pregnancy, or proceed, knowing that the baby would not be able to survive. We quickly let him know that “termination” was not an option. He made the comment that many parents choose termination because it’s so difficult to handle emotionally.

I later learned that somewhere between 90-98% of babies diagnosed with anencephaly are aborted. This falls into the “emotional turmoil” category. The remainder of our pregnancy was surely filled with emotional turmoil. It was an emotional roller coaster. We had one healthy baby and one that we knew could not survive. It was hard to make future plans for our son because it didn’t seem fair to our daughter, but it didn’t seem fair to him if we didn’t.

The questions that are fun and exciting in a typical pregnancy cut deep. When someone would ask when I was due, I was reminded how short my time was with my daughter. When they asked if I was having a boy or a girl, I’d say “one of each,” only to listen to further comments about how exciting it would be and how I’d have my hands full, and what a challenge it was. What they didn’t realize was how much I’d wanted that challenge. If I wanted to avoid the extra comments and told people that I was expecting one of each but my daughter wouldn’t be able to survive, people just didn’t know how to respond. The look in their eyes would say they wanted to run in the other direction just to avoid having to say anything else. If I said I was having a boy, I wouldn’t be acknowledging her. I could never do that. I needed the world to know that she existed.

Though we immediately knew that abortion was not an option for us, the journey we took from that moment was certainly not easy. It was painful, and still is painful. We don't regret our decision. We know we did everything that was asked of us in allowing Carys to live until God said it was time for her to go home. She changed our lives (and the lives of many others) in ways we never could have imagined. God had a plan. God always has a plan.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

New International Version (NIV)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

It doesn't matter what storm we are facing. Even when it hurts and we're so weary that we feel like we just can't go another step, or even when we struggle just to hold our head up and face the crowds, we have a Heavenly Father who loves us and wants good things for us. We won't always understand why we're allowed to go through the storms, but if we cling to Him when we feel like running from Him... we'll start to see the beauty in the storm. There's an awe-inspiring power that is evident from the midst of a storm, that a person just can't appreciate from the shelter of a cave. There is beauty in and after the rain. If we try to take the easiest way out that we can find, we may miss out on the most rewarding parts of the journey.

If you are reading this and you have missed out on the rewarding parts of the journey, it's not too late to cling to the Father. Even now, after it's all said and done, there is much to be experienced. You've still experienced a loss, but you can grieve your loss from the arms of the Creator. He knows your pain, He hurts when you hurt. There is peace in knowing that some day, if we've chosen to seek Him with all our hearts, following His commands to love Him and love others with that deep, agape kind of love... we have hope for a future in Heaven- a future filled with a greater peace than this world has ever known. Praise God, Heaven is for real!

Every Last Tear

2012-01-06T21:33:00.001-08:00

I'm missing my baby girl horribly tonight. My heart aches. After the past year, I'm surprised there are any tears left, but somehow there always are... even when I'm truly "ok." I've found that as time goes on, I'm coming around. I don't feel as buried in grief as I did before, even though the pain is still there. Some days it still feels so fresh, but I still have the peace in knowing we're okay. I have peace in knowing that Heaven is near, and it is very, very real.

I'm thinking often of our family members and other loved ones who are already in Heaven with Carys. I look forward to seeing them when God says it's time. It's so strange to me how much the past year has changed me. So many things have new meaning. Tonight, I keep thinking of Revelation 21:4.

Revelation 21:4

New International Version (NIV)

⁴ ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’^[a] or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

Anyone who has faced any kind of significant loss in this world can understand how that passage means so much more. Tears can be so exhausting. Some day, though... Some day, God, Himself will wipe every last tear from our eyes. We will never again face death or mourning, or crying or pain. Can you imagine?? This ache in my heart will go away. I so look forward to feeling the peace of Heaven again. I have a peace now, so even when I cry, I'm okay... but it's not like the peace the day Carys went to Heaven. THAT overwhelming peace was unearthly. I look forward to feeling that again.

In the meantime, I'm doing a balancing act. It's an odd balance to be living in this world when it's not the comfort zone it once was. I changed, but the world didn't. Everything else goes on like nothing changed... but I was changed; in so many ways. I'm so thankful God blessed us with Paxton and Carys, even if Carys couldn't stay long. I can't imagine my life without them.

__________________________________

I started to title this post, "I changed, but the world didn't" ... but now I've re-thought that. Life goes on as if nothing happened, I have to continue going through the motions, but I KNOW the world did change a little when Carys came into it and silently left. On that note, I want to ask you all how Carys impacted your lives. If you haven't already, please visit her memorial page (click here). I know she made a difference.

Caption Contest Winner!!

2012-01-02T07:06:00.000-08:00

Congratulations,

Vanessa Ison!

Your Caption, "I know...I know...buckle up, don't drive fast, pay attention to other cars, don't pick up hitch hikers, no texting. Seriously, you would think this was my first time! :)" received

4 votes, which means you've won! I'll be in contact with you about your prize.

To view all voting results,

CLICK HERE

Time for a Caption Contest!

2011-12-28T19:59:00.000-08:00

UPDATE: Contest closed, there will be a poll to follow, don't forget to vote!

So many things I could say....

Here's the deal: If I have at least 10 caption entries (from 10 different people) by 11:00 pm on Friday (approximately 48 hours from now), I will then post a poll with the entries and allow voting. The caption with the most votes will receive a prize... Fitting with the picture theme, I'll be giving away a heated ice scraper to the winner. :)

Happy Captioning!!

(Though I'm sure it won't be an issue, any caption that may be considered as disrespectful will be promptly removed)

"I am the Lord's servant..."

2011-12-27T08:11:00.000-08:00

I was flipping through my women’s devotional calendar today, reading the devotionals for the days I wasn’t at work, and the verse for Christmas caught my attention. “Mary responded, ‘I am the Lord’s servant, and I am willing to accept whatever he wants. May everything you have said come true.’” Luke 1:38.

“I am the Lord’s servant, and I am willing to accept whatever he wants.” Mary’s statement seems so simple. Have you ever thought about what Mary stood to lose? She’d been told she’d give birth to the Son of God. I’m sure she had to have wondered how Joseph would respond to that. If he hadn’t trusted God or the angel hadn’t reassured him, he very likely would have left Mary to be a single mom. I’m sure being a single mom in that place and time would not have been a very comfortable life... especially for a woman who claimed that the seemingly absent father was God Himself. She risked her comfort, her relationship, her reputation- her future. She was willing to give it all up because God had a plan for her and she trusted Him.

“Lord, I am your servant, and I am willing to accept whatever You want” can be a very scary thing to pray. We never know what He may want because we can’t see the full picture. We can’t know what is coming next and what He may want to use to help prepare us. Sometimes it’s not so hard, but sometimes, it can be devastatingly painful. To pray, “I am willing to accept whatever You want,” we have to be prepared for whatever that may be, though sometimes, I think there is little we can do to truly be “prepared.”

I’d prayed a similar prayer many times before Carys. I knew it might be painful, but I also knew that God loves me, so He would have my best interest in mind. I don’t regret it. As painful as this past year has been, it’s also been beautiful. December 15th marked 1 year from her initial diagnosis, and the 21st was the day her diagnosis was confirmed. Aaron and I have reflected on the past year often over this holiday season. Last Christmas was so difficult. I’d even jokingly asked my friend Leslie if it was possible to pickle your face from crying so much. This Christmas, it all still hurts, but we’re okay. On the way home from work last week, I caught myself in tears and smiling at the same time, thinking of everything that’s happened. The thought crossed my mind that if anyone saw me, they’d think I must be nuts… and that made me laugh… and cry. It was an odd moment, but so characteristic of the way this year has gone. Bittersweet. Maranomi.

I wouldn’t change it. God knows what He’s doing, and He loves me. He’s proven that to me time and time again. If this is where He wants me, there is a purpose in it, and I choose to accept that. Some day, every heartache will fade away. Pain won’t last forever. The bitter will leave and the sweet will remain. I’m so thankful for that promise!

Heavenly Father, I am your servant, and I am willing to accept whatever You want.

Solomon Was A Rainbow Baby

2011-12-17T13:34:00.000-08:00

Many times, it seems like we skip over the genealogy of Christ as we read the Christmas story in Matthew, but as with all scripture, it’s included for a purpose. As I was reading back through the lineage of Christ recently, a few connections stood out to me a bit more than they once did.

One name in particular that has always caught my attention is Rahab, or “the prostitute Rahab,” as she was commonly known. Rahab was known by her risqué profession. She was known for her behavior. That is, before she made a life-altering choice. She decided to follow the one and only living God. That choice superseded all previous choices. Her life was no longer the same, and she was able to pass down a legacy of redemption. Can you imagine the story she may have told her children and grand children? “…and then I learned that God loved ME… in spite of all I’d done!”

Speaking of Rahab’s children and grandchildren, She had a son named Boaz. Boaz grew to be a godly man and was the kinsman-redeemer for Ruth when her husband (his relative) died without giving her children. Boaz did what was right and took responsibility for Ruth, giving her hope for a future; because God had a plan. (I’d written a while back about Ruth and her mother-in-law Naomi in “The New Normal.”) God used Rahab’s dedication and redemption to provide hope for Ruth, who was also dedicated to doing what was right for not only her, but for her mother-in-law.

Ruth and Boaz then had a son named Obed, who grew to father Jesse. Jesse became the father of King David. Keep in mind the legacy that was being passed along! Each ancestor had such raw, human moments. Mistakes were made, and life was painful at times. There were losses and tears. King David was known as a man after God’s own heart, but even David made sinful, selfish mistakes with painful consequences.

After David’s affair with Bathsheba and after David had Bathsheba’s husband Uriah murdered, the child that resulted from David’s moment of selfish pleasure became very ill and died, despite David’s pleading. David repented. Solomon was then born to David and his then wife, Bathsheba. Solomon was what is known in the “baby loss world” as a rainbow baby- the baby after the loss of a child, (a storm). From Solomon, the lineage continues, story after story. These are only a few of the ancestors of Jesus’ earthly family. Each generation had storms, but God had a plan. God knew at the time of Rahab what was going to happen in the life of Joseph, years and years down the line. God knew that generations later, He would be sending another child into the world who was going to save the world by reconciling mankind with the Father through the cross. He knew that He would be sending His own son to bridge the gap that was created during the fall in the garden of Eden. God knew. God has a majestic way of working through our painful storms and selfish mistakes to make beautiful things happen. Looking at the genealogy of the Christmas story, we once again have proof that there is a promise of life and hope after the rain.

2 Samuel 12:15-23

(NIV)

15 After Nathan had gone home, the LORD struck the child that Uriah’s wife had borne to David, and he became ill. 16 David pleaded with God for the child. He fasted and spent the nights lying in sackcloth[b] on the ground. 17 The elders of his household stood beside him to get him up from the ground, but he refused, and he would not eat any food with them.

18 On the seventh day the child died. David’s attendants were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they thought, “While the child was still living, he wouldn’t listen to us when we spoke to him. How can we now tell him the child is dead? He may do something desperate.”

19 David noticed that his attendants were whispering among themselves, and he realized the child was dead. “Is the child dead?” he asked.

“Yes,” they replied, “he is dead.”

20 Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the LORD and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate.

21 His attendants asked him, “Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!”

22 He answered, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live.’ 23 But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.”

Joy's the Word

2011-12-11T19:54:00.000-08:00

Last December, I first heard of www.myoneword.com. The premise of the website is to choose a one-word theme for the year instead of setting the typical New Year’s resolutions. I loved the idea of choosing one word and really dwelling on it to allow God to reveal some truth through it.

Because of my circumstances, I chose the word JOY. It may seem strange that in the circumstances as they were I chose joy, but I had a very intentional purpose in it. From the time of Carys’ fatal diagnosis in December, I knew the remainder of the pregnancy and the time that followed would be bittersweet. I knew I was going to have one healthy baby and one baby that wouldn’t be able to survive after birth. I also knew I was going to have to find a way to discover joy in the midst of sorrow, and I trusted that God would provide that joy.

In Psalm 30:11 (NIV), King David wrote, “11 You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy…” I’ve learned first-hand that God can do that. He can take our brokenness and turn it into something beautiful. Our suffering can be the source of great joy.

This year has certainly been one of heartache and suffering for my family and me. I’ve never been more broken, beaten down, or utterly weary. At the same time, I’ve never experienced the degree of peace that I have during what would seem to be the worst of moments. However, I can’t truly say this year has been horrible because we’ve had some very amazing things happen along with the painful things. Bittersweet is a word I’ve often used, but it’s also been a year of extremes. The “bad” things have been unbelievably horrid…. But the good? Wow. We have the joy of watching all of Paxton’s firsts while we experience the sorrow of missing Carys. We’ve learned so much about God’s love and the peace of Heaven. We learned more about what is important and what is insignificant. We chose to trust rather than become bitter, and we’ve grown in the joy of a total trust in the Heavenly Father. We’ve worn the sackcloth, but we’ve also been clothed in joy. We’ve also learned that without the sackcloth, we wouldn’t have the ability to experience joy to the same magnificent degree. Circumstances don’t determine our joy; choosing to trust the loving Creator with our circumstances, however, does.

i am thankful

2011-11-23T14:33:00.000-08:00

I am thankful. As I started to write this entry, I struggled with what to list first...we have so many blessings. So, in no specific order…

I'm thankful for wonderful parents who taught me what it means to be Christ like and love, and who provided a stable home throughout my childhood. I’m thankful for a brother and sister who are supportive, loving, and witty. I’m thankful for a sister-in-law who was my friend first, and whom I am proud to call family. I’m thankful for the loving grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins who have passed along or shared a heritage. Though our family has its quirks like all others, for the most part, we’re close.

I am thankful. I’m thankful for the relationships that didn’t pan out but led me to the one that did. I’m thankful for the wonderful, godly man who is my husband. I’m thankful that I was able to marry my best friend. I’m thankful for his family. I’m thankful to be one of those rare wives who have no complaints about her in-laws because they are truly wonderful. I’m thankful for my niece and nephews, even the two who are family by choice (and their parents, who have been such a support for us). I’m thankful for true friends who know what a godly, loving friendship is really about and who have been there for us through the most difficult time of our lives.

I am thankful. I’m thankful for a loving church family that has offered countless prayers on our behalf. I’m thankful for employment and having our needs met. I’m thankful for vehicles that are reliable and a home that I love.

I am thankful. I’m thankful for my babies. I’m thankful for Paxton’s joyful laughter, inquisitive expressions, and for the opportunity to watch him grow and learn. I’m thankful to have a front row seat to his relationship with his daddy, knowing this is where his understanding of the Heavenly Father begins. I’m thankful for my sweet baby girl and for the hours we had with her after she was born. I’m thankful for a caring doctor and his staff. I’m thankful for the beautiful friendships I’ve made through the painful world of pregnancy and infant loss. I’m thankful for rainy days and the beauty of nature.

I am thankful. I’m thankful that this entry only touches the tip of the iceberg of my blessings. I’m thankful for the people who have been a part of my life, and for the opportunities I’ve been allowed. Above all, I’m thankful for a loving, selfless God, and I’m thankful that Heaven is real. I'm thankful that one day (if we live life in a way pleasing to God), we will be in the very presence of God Himself, in a place where there will be no more tears, no more suffering, no more death.... no more tissues and snotty noses from crying.... only peace and love. I am thankful for the promise!

Revelation 21:4

New International Version (NIV)

⁴ ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

Pilgrim Overboard

2011-11-12T11:51:00.000-08:00

With Thanksgiving just around the corner, I wanted to take a moment to share some history I have recently learned. We know the general story of how the Pilgrims came to the Americas in search of religious freedom and landed at Plymouth. We’ve heard of the hardships they faced once they arrived, and how about half of the group didn’t survive the first winter because they weren’t able to finish building their homes or find enough food before the weather grew too cold and the snow came. I would like to share with you the story of one of those Pilgrims.

John Howland was about 27 or 28 years old in 1620 when he boarded the Mayflower to come to the Americas as a servant of John Carver. On the voyage across the Atlantic, there was a storm and John was swept overboard. He was able to grab a rope and hold on until he was rescued.

Pilgrim Overboard – by Mike Haywood

When I learned of John Howland’s story, I thought of his storms (both literal and figurative). He left the home he’d always known to voyage to an unfamiliar world, and as we know, the unknown can be exciting but also very scary. On the way, he was swept overboard and nearly lost his life. He was rescued and made it to his destination, only to endure such a brutal winter that half of his group didn’t survive. I’d imagine it was hard to not wonder if things were ever going to start improving.

I’d imagine that first spring was a welcomed sight, even if the hardships didn’t end there. Sources say that John Carver died that spring, and his wife died not long after. John Howland then married Elizabeth Tilly, a servant from the Carvers’ household who was about 15 or 16 years old and had lost her parents and an aunt and uncle during the harsh winter.

John and Elizabeth experienced their share of loss and uncertainties. I’m sure there were days that they felt overwhelmed, discouraged, and exhausted, but they kept moving forward. I know God had a plan.

John and Elizabeth had 10 children and 88 grandchildren. As I was looking for more information about John Howland, I learned from his monument on Burial Hill that he was known as a "godly man and an ardent professor in the ways of Christ" when he died in his 80’s. Talk about a legacy.

John faced many storms in his life. But I am reminded… God knew what would happen next, because God has a plan.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

New International Version (NIV)

It seems, even from that one line etched in his memorial stone, that John was able to learn from the storms and rely more heavily on his relationship with Christ. I think about what may have happened if he hadn’t been rescued when he was swept overboard, and now is when it seems appropriate to note a few of John Howland’s descendants.

According to www.pilgrimjohnhowlandsociety.org (which is a good place to learn more about John Howland), “It is reported that currently there are over 10 million living descendants of the 52 Mayflower Pilgrims who had children.”

The site goes on to list the following as a few of John Howland's descendants you may recognize:

Maude Adams (stage actress)

Humphrey Bogart (film actor)

Phillips Brooks (wrote "O Little Town of Bethlehem")

George Herbert Walker Bush (41th U.S. President)

Barbara Bush (U.S. First Lady)

George W. Bush (43nd U.S. President)

John Ellis "Jeb" Bush (Florida Governor)

Ralph Waldo Emerson (poet)

Nathaniel Gorham (Continental Congress President)

Esther Allen Howland (produced the first American Valentines)

Henry Cabot Lodge, Jr. (U.S. Senator)

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (poet)

Franklin Delano Roosevelt (32nd U.S. President)

Lillian Russell (stage & film actress)

Joseph Smith (founder, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints)”

As a final thought, I’d like to note that John Howland was my 10^th great grandfather. I learned about his story from my mother, who made the discovery in her years of genealogy research. It’s a good reminder that regardless of what storms we’re facing, there is life after the rain.

Acknowledging Loss

2011-11-05T22:46:00.000-07:00

This past week, it seems there was an emphasis on the criticism grieving parents may receive when discussing the loss of their children. I’ve been thinking very much about what is behind that criticism. Pregnancy and infant loss is a topic that strikes a nerve with many people for various reasons. As a result, anger is often felt, and harsh or hurtful things are said.

Without going into great detail, a friend and fellow baby loss mom was bombarded by a couple of different people who criticized her for finding ways to talk about and memorialize her son. She was told that her posts about him made them angry.

As a therapist, I am frequently discussing anger/emotional management. What it seems to boil down to is simply becoming aware of the emotions you experience (remembering that anger is like a category heading – there are always other emotions under it, such as feeling insulted, hurt, afraid, frustrated, disappointed, embarrassed, etc.) and learning how to respond to the emotion rather than allowing the emotion to control how you respond to the situation. If unchecked, we have the capacity to make some pretty destructive mistakes when we use anger as an excuse to respond how we “feel” like responding.

The truth of the matter is simple. We all have a right to experience whatever emotions we experience. We do not have the right to use that experience as an excuse to take it out on someone else in a way that violates their rights.

With that in mind, I think that the criticism comes from fear, lack of understanding, and unresolved grief. I say fear because many people respond to discussion about pregnancy and infant loss by downplaying it or acting like it’s not as important as the death of an adult. It’s a scary thought.

Whether you’ve experienced a loss of your own or not, you may agree that losing a child is not the normal process of things. Babies aren’t supposed to die before their parents. It doesn’t seem natural. New babies are supposed to be joyful, exciting experiences. To speak of a baby’s death is “depressing,” and we’re often afraid to allow ourselves to feel sad. We treat painful emotions as if they are wrong to feel. That’s not fair. When we attempt to stifle our painful emotions rather than experience and work through them, we create problematic symptoms, such as depression and anxiety. We also become more prone to feeling angry when someone brings up a topic that threatens to expose those stifled emotions… because we fear opening that floodgate.

I think a lack of understanding is another common factor in the criticism. If a person has no concept of the pain involved in pregnancy and infant loss, it’s obviously not going to be easy for them to be compassionate.

The third common factor I mentioned is unresolved grief. Because of the tendency for society to be critical of parents who openly grief their pregnancy and infant losses (by saying such things as, “well the sooner you forget about it, the better off you’ll be” or “you can always just have another baby,” etc.), many parents are not allowed the opportunity to really work through their grief and find healing… which goes back to the stifled emotions and related problems.

Grieving is a part of loss. The loss of a baby, whether during or after pregnancy, is no exception. I believe that any time someone has a strong emotional response to a situation, there is a strong personal belief or interpretation attached to it. When my friend shared with me the hurtful correspondence she received, I found myself wondering about motivation. One later said she felt guilty for being able to bring her own baby home without complications. The other (to my knowledge) never did own up to her own emotions. Maybe she was expecting a baby or hoped to be expecting a baby and the thought of infant mortality was scary. Maybe she’d had an abortion and to admit that the loss of the baby was a significant loss would mean that the loss of her baby was too. Maybe she’d had a natural loss and was stifling the painful emotions because she thought they were too difficult to process or those around her wouldn't approve…. Maybe... I don’t know what her motivation was, but I know something struck a nerve. We don’t have strong reactions like that unless there is some significant meaning attached to the situation for us.

When I think of how often pregnancy and infant loss isn’t recognized as a “real” loss, it hurts more than I can say. As I process my own grief, I need to know my daughter is acknowledged. She lived. When people say things like the death of someone older is worse because they lived longer is … well…. Ridiculously insulting. As a mother, I can say it’s never long enough. Even so, the seven hours and 13 minutes I was given with my Carys after her birth have forever changed my life.

I hope that some day society will more readily accept that pregnancy and infant loss is significant and freely acknowledge that parents have a right to grieve in their own way. It would be nice if we could all speak openly about how we feel, while being respectful. I'd probably be out of a job if that happened, but I'd gladly find a new career if that was the case. Meanwhile, though, I'll be looking for opportunities to defend our right to grieve.

To do your part, check out this link; it was passed along to me this week.

Please, Fleas?!

2011-11-03T18:23:00.000-07:00

I've not posted much lately. Not because I've had nothing to say, but it seems like life just doesn't slow down. My sweet baby boy has been sick off and on since the beginning of October and it has just been hard to take time to just breathe. Thankfully, I think we're on the tail end of the sickly days.

Speaking of giving thanks... I shared the following with the photography club because our (obvious) one-word theme this month is "thankful."

_______________________________________________________________

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

New International Version (NIV)

16 Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Give thanks in ALL circumstances... not just the pleasant ones. There are many things I could say here, but I think the best example here is an excerpt from Corrie Ten Boom's book, The Hiding Place, where Corrie described her experience and spiritual journey through the Nazi Concentration Camps.

______________________________________________________________________________

“Fleas!” I cried. “Betsie, the place is swarming with them!…How can we live in such a place!”

“Show us. Show us how.” It was said so matter of factly it took me a second to realize she was praying. More and more the distinction between prayer and the rest of life seemed to be vanishing for Betsie.

“Corrie!” she said excitedly. “He’s given us the answer! Before we asked, as He always does! In the Bible this morning. Where was it? Read that part again!”

I glanced down the long dim aisle to make sure no guard was in sight, then drew the Bible from its pouch.” It was in First Thessalonians,” I said…In the feeble light I turned the pages. “Here it is: ‘Comfort the frightened, help the weak, be patient with everyone. See that none of you repays evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to all…’” It seemed written expressly to Ravensbruck.

“Go on,” said Betsie. “That wasn’t all.”

“Oh yes: ‘…to one another and to all. Rejoice always, pray constantly, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus–”

“That’s it, Corrie! That’s His answer. ‘Give thanks in all circumstances!’ That’s what we can do. We can start right now to thank God for every single thing about this new barracks!”

I stared at her, then around me at the dark, foul-aired room.

“Such as?” I said.

“Such as being assigned here together.”

I bit my lip. “Oh yes, Lord Jesus!”

“Such as what you’re holding in your hands.”

I looked down at the Bible. “Yes! Thank You, dear Lord, that there was no inspection when we entered here! Thank You for all the women, here in this room, who will meet you in these pages.”…

“Thank You,” Betsie went on serenely, “for the fleas and for–”

The fleas! This was too much. “Betsie there’s no way even God can make me grateful for a flea.”

“‘Give thanks in all circumstances,’” she quoted. “It doesn’t say, ‘in pleasant circumstances.’ Fleas are part of this place where God has put us.”

And so we stood between piers of bunks and gave thanks for fleas. But this time I was sure Betsie was wrong.

________________________________________________________________

During their stay, they were somehow allowed to lead Bible studies/worship services nightly with the other women who shared the living space. The guards never interrupted, and never came to inspect the barracks. Though they didn't understand why, they were blessed by the small freedom. Corrie went on to write:

________________________________________________________________

“You’re looking extraordinarily pleased with yourself,” I told her.

“You know we’ve never understood why we had so much freedom in the big room,” she said. “Well–I’ve found out.”

That afternoon, she said, there’d been confusion in her knitting group about sock sizes and they’d asked the supervisor to come and settle it.

“But she wouldn’t. She wouldn’t step through the door and neither would the guards. And you know why?”

Betsie could not keep the triumph from her voice: “Because of the fleas! That’s what she said, ‘That place is crawling with fleas!’”

My mind rushed back to our first hour in this place. I remembered Betsie’s bowed head, remembered her thanks to God for creatures I could see no use for.

[The Hiding Place, pp. 197-199, 209]

_______________________________________________________________

SO... your challenge is to be thankful for the fleas. What are YOUR fleas?

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

2011-10-13T19:54:00.000-07:00

"A person's a person, no matter how small!"

2011-10-02T12:08:00.000-07:00

The Anencephaly Awareness Ribbon
was created to include pink and blue
to represent pregnancy and infant loss
and green to represent neural tube defects.

Over the past year, I’ve had much to learn. As we’ve experienced our own grief, we’ve had many people talk to us about their losses. I’ve learned that it’s surprising how many parents have experienced infertility, or pregnancy/ infant loss. It’s a topic that is often avoided because it’s hard to discuss.

I have learned that discussing a baby’s terminal diagnosis or death is often a way to stop a conversation abruptly. Many people don’t know what to say, so they say nothing... or they may say hurtful things simply because they don’t know what TO say and it just comes out wrong when they try.

I’ve learned that although society seems to have come a long way regarding responses to pregnancy and infant loss, there is still a general attitude that a miscarriage or infant loss isn’t as significant as the loss of an adult. Many parents who have experienced a loss are told by well-intentioned loved ones that they need to just get over it and move on. In reality, it’s not that simple.

I’ve learned that it is important for those who have lost babies during or soon after pregnancy to know that it’s okay to grieve. A loss is a loss, and in the wise words of Dr. Seuss, “A person’s a person, no matter how small.”

Even so, for anyone who has not experienced pregnancy or infant loss, it’s hard to understand how much such a loss can change someone’s life. In addition to being told to get over it and move on, many people are led to believe that there is something wrong with them because they are having trouble letting go of someone they never had a chance to meet face to face, or maybe met only briefly. The fact is, as with any loss, it is multifaceted. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known your child, he or she is still your child and always will be.

From the moment a parent is aware that the child exists, a bond begins to form. Whether the child was planned or not, the parent begins to imagine what life is going to be like – how it will be different. With that first positive line on a pregnancy test, a whole new world of "what-if’s" is opened. A child changes everything. The loss of a child, regardless of age or stage, doesn’t take away that change, but it does take away any chance of knowing how the what-if’s would have been.

I was in love with my babies before they even existed. The nursery was planned long before a test came back positive. I had hopes and dreams for them before they were even here. From the time I knew there were two babies growing inside, though, my love for my children was no longer abstract… there were two tiny people who were the recipients of that love; two little individuals who would develop unique personalities and have unique strengths and weaknesses. Two little people who would need their momma’s love and nurturing as they developed the skills and values they would need to survive and thrive in this world. They were a big part of my world from that moment.

It’s easy for people who don’t understand the significance of pregnancy and infant loss to say, “you really need to just get over it and move on,” because they don’t seem to understand what has been lost. A miscarriage is more than the loss of a bunch of cells. Those cells are life in its earliest stages. Those cells (the beginnings of the growth of a child) represent hopes and dreams of the future. Those cells represent the change that took place in a parent’s heart with the knowledge that a child was forming. A newborn infant isn’t just an acquaintance his or her parents didn’t really know well anyway. She’s a well-loved child who was full of promise for the future of her family and community. He was the one that his parents imagined watching grow and develop into a wonderful, successful adult with their training and nurturing. They are part of us. They wouldn’t have existed without us. They grew within our bodies, even if their lives were short. They mattered.

For parents who have lost a child (no matter how far along in growth) to be told they should be able to just get over it and move on is an anxiety-producing lie. It’s not realistic or healthy. It’s okay to grieve the loss of a child and the hopes and dreams that were lost as well. It’s ok to find ways to keep your child’s memory alive. It’s ok to want to talk about him or her. It’s healthy to find a balance between moving forward and grieving your loss.

This blog was started because I need to be able to talk about my baby girl. I want others to know about what a huge impact she made in our lives during the brief time she had here on earth. I can’t bear the thought of pretending she didn’t exist, because she did. Throughout the pregnancy and for 7 hours and 13 minutes afterward, she lived. She had dark red hair and eyelashes, chubby cheeks and hands, and long skinny feet. She had one little toe that curled under the rest and made me smile. She made sweet little noises and held our fingers. She was here. To “get over it” and move forward as if nothing changed isn’t possible. There will always be a sense of loss. My daughter died, and I miss her.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. For those who have lost a child, whether during or after pregnancy, find a way to memorialize your little one. For those who have not, please remember that it doesn’t matter how far along a pregnancy was, a loss is a loss, and it’s normal for a parent to grieve the loss of a child. After all, “a person’s a person, no matter how small.”

Sitting

2011-09-09T20:44:00.000-07:00

While completing a continuing education training about spirituality and religion, I listened to an interview with a Psychologist who also practiced Zen. Throughout the interview, he referred to “sitting” and taking in the moment… experiencing every aspect of it. He talked about beginning by sitting in one position without moving for 30 minutes, focusing on what he felt physically, emotionally, etc, and just allowing it all to be; not trying to fix any of it. Though the man did not profess a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, and the concepts are not traditionally “Christian,” I believe that God's truth may be revealed in many ways. Toward the end of the interview, I was struck by the thought that “sitting” may be, in a way, what God had in mind when He said, “Be still, and know that I am God.”

I can picture God telling us, “Sit still. Breathe. Be aware of what you are experiencing…. And know that I am God. Know that the pain is temporary. The struggles are temporary. The world you are in is temporary. Focus. Focus on Me, your creator. I know what is best for you and I Love you. I love you so much I sent my only son to die… for you. I love you THAT much… so know that when I allow you to experience what you are experiencing… it’s not to harm you. Good things can come from even this. Be still and know that I am your God… your Loving Father. Be still.”

We have such trouble just being still. I do, anyway. I’ve found that when I feel overly anxious (and this year has had its share of anxiety), I feel like I need to DO something but seem to have trouble being still long enough for God to show me what it is I need to do. Even while I wait for the next step to become clear, I believe there is value even in the anxiety and pain.

This year has been such a learning process. It’s been an emotional roller coaster. I have been fascinated with how it is possible to have peace coexist with all of the other emotions I have experienced. Even when I feel most anxious about where I think I need to be, there is still a sense of peace in knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that it’s going to be okay. God still has a plan. He’s still working on me with the being still part. I’m not sure how it is that I can trust completely that He has a plan… and yet doubt myself and where I am. There have been times that the anxiety has been significant… but even then, I fully believed that God had a plan, so I’m not entirely sure why I have still felt that anxiety. I’ve not stopped counting my blessings, I continue to find joy in my family and friends, yet I’ve still faced anxiety. I think it’s because I have trouble just being still and being where I am. It’s hard to relax and feel settled after all the tension. The rain has stopped (for the time being), but I’ve felt like I’ve been stuck in the mud. It’s easy for me to trust God (knowing what scripture tells me about His attributes), but I just get so anxious to move forward out of the mud sometimes. It’s easy to get so caught up in what WILL happen that I don’t focus on what IS happening.

Sometimes, I think that no matter how many ways we tell ourselves to wait… no matter how many times we count our blessings, we still have to get to a breaking point before the real work can be done. We are most pliable when we’re broken, and God has such an amazing plan. Even the mud is part of it. Thank you, God, for the mud.

Now… I’m off to research the benefits of mud bathing. J

1 Thessalonians 5:18
New International Version (NIV)
18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Check out an excerpt from Corrie Ten Boom's book, The Hiding Place

Caption Contest Winner!!

2011-09-04T17:58:00.000-07:00

Congratulations,

Mel Thomas!

Your caption:

"Umm,I'm getting a little nervous about that sermon Sunday!
Did someone just call me Moses?"

received the most votes!!

I'll call you about your prize. :)

Caption Contest Entries - Vote now!

2011-09-02T17:04:00.000-07:00

"Chores?!?!" -Mommy's Caption

Vote for your favorite caption at the top of the page!

Prize will be the winner's choice of:

and I might be willing to throw in a batch of brownies from one of the best recipes I've found... or...

if you don't live close.... i'll just include the recipe hehe

Votes will be counted until Sunday at about 8:00 pm. :) Happy voting!

Another Caption Contest!

2011-08-30T20:52:00.000-07:00

it's time for another caption contest!

Today, we found ourselves with a photo op...

and Paxton's expression just makes me laugh :)

That's my boy!

(and yes... the laundry was clean!)

Here's the deal:

If I have at least 10 caption entries (from 10 different people) by 10:00 pm on Thursday (approximately 48 hours from now), I will then post a poll with the entries and allow voting. The caption with the most votes will receive a prize... I've not decided for sure what the prize will be, but I will come up with something!

Happy Captioning!!

(Though I'm sure it won't be an issue, any caption that may be considered as disrespectful will be promptly removed)

The New Normal

2011-08-27T20:27:00.000-07:00

There is no word for this. There is no word for this beautifully excruciating state of being, in which a parent has been separated from her child by death. There is no term to express the existence of a parent on earth while her child lives in Heaven. Why is that?

A person who has lost a spouse is a widow or widower. A child who has lost her parents is an orphan. They have terms to describe the change that took place in that moment of loss. They have terms to label their “new normal.”

I don’t.

I’ve thought quite a bit about the phrase “new normal,” as I have heard it referenced many times since we began this journey last December. I look back at what was once normal and it seems … young. In a way, it was like graduating from grade school and going directly into college. It’s a whole new level… a whole new normal. What was true then is still true now, but it’s so much deeper and more expansive. While I knew such a loss was possible, I had no way of fully knowing the impact of it until I experienced it for myself. I had no way of knowing the unique mixture of joy and sorrow, and peace in pain. It’s more than just being sad and missing someone.

The new normal is ever-changing. Who I was before is being continually re-defined. I don’t think there’s really a point when it is possible to say, “ok, I’ve moved on, I’m good now.” When a rock is thrown into a lake, the ripples continue after the initial impact. Maybe I should say, rather, when a rain drop hits a lake…

The new normal is an odd mix of anticipation and sorrow, with renewed purpose and utter exhaustion. The new normal is being surprised when tears suddenly spring up in my eyes at the most random reminders that she’s no longer with us on earth, yet feeling joy that she was my baby girl. As painful as it has been, I can’t make myself wish for the old normal. The old normal didn’t include my babies, and in the old normal, I hadn’t caught a glimpse of Heaven.

There should be a word for this.

If I were to choose or create a word to label this new normal, I’d want it to reflect how the experience is never truly over, but it is ever-changing and developing. I’d want it to reflect how a parent’s way of relating to others morphs into something different and the view of the world and its priorities shifts significantly. I’d want it to be clear that, although a sense of humor may still be present, there is a continual, unspoken somber air that clings to the parent of a child in Heaven. We’ve glimpsed the other side…. And the other side seems more real than this one.

A term to describe a parent who has lost a child would need to incorporate the idea of a challenge, a journey, and being broken. It would reflect a new character and a new' way of relating to life.

I think of the story of Naomi and her daughter-in-law, Ruth. After losing her husband and sons, Naomi returned to her former home. When the women there saw her, they said, “Can this be Naomi?”

“20 “Don’t call me Naomi,” she told them. “Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter. 21 I went away full, but the LORD has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi? The LORD has afflicted me; the Almighty has brought misfortune upon me.”” (Ruth 1:20-21)

Naomi, whose name meant “pleasant,” told them to no longer call her Naomi. She was different. She preferred to be called by a name that meant bitter. “Bittersweet” is a term I’ve found myself using frequently over the past months. We know God is working, even through the painful parts of the experience. I’m not sure how to take Naomi’s response. I hope she eventually found the joy in the sorrow, though I don’t get the impression from that brief passage that she had yet. I hope that when she saw her faithful daughter-in-law, and as she held her grandson, Obed, she felt the sweet that went along with the bitter.

Regardless of whether or not Naomi found the sweet with the bitter, it is evident that she was a changed woman. Loss does that. Painful life experiences open our eyes to deeper truths about our existence. According to Paul, our sufferings produce perseverance, or the ability to keep on keeping on. (“ 3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” Romans 5:3-5)

“We also glory in our sufferings.” Glory… as in magnificence, splendor, wonder, etc. … in our sufferings. The sufferings are part of the journey. It’s easy to become bitter at the sufferings… but then we miss out on the glory of them. Sufferings lead to perseverance, which leads to character, which leads to HOPE. Thank God, we have that hope (‘cause wow, what a mess I’d be without it). I have hope because I know the story isn’t over. My identity is not bitterness alone.

Though I’m no longer who I once was, I’m not entirely bitter. There is some sweet in the mix. I’d rather have had my daughter with anencephaly than not at all. God gave us so much through her, and it has been bittersweet. I’m not a Mara… I’m a Mara-Naomi.

_______________________________________________________

**edit: I think I should start using the term Maranomi to describe this... go to www.facebook.com/AfterTheRainn to discuss what the term might mean to you!

Couldn't see the forest for the trees...

2011-08-20T11:17:00.000-07:00

It seems like it never fails that when I’m running behind, I end up behind the slowest vehicles on the road. One morning recently, it was a logging truck. It’s always tempting to complain when that happens, but I try to remind myself that in ALL things, God works for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). So far, it helps to keep me calm when it seems there’s always a car in the other lane when passing may have been possible (or at least calmer than I would be otherwise).

On the way to work that day, I wondered if maybe God was protecting me from something by slowing me down, so I tried to just relax and be ok with getting there when I could get there. I eventually arrived and of course, the day went on just fine.

That evening, as I left work, I ended up behind yet another slow-moving logging truck. Seriously? What are the odds?? I wondered if God had something else for me to see. I certainly couldn’t see very far in front of me. Talk about not being able to see the forest for the trees! I did my best to accept the slower pace and let my mind wander.

Accepting a slower pace isn’t always easy to do. In fact, it’s rarely easy to do; especially when there’s somewhere you really want to be. As I followed the logs, I thought of where I was headed. I know the road pretty well and knew my destination, but not being able to see the view unobstructed changed my perception a bit. It’s easy to get impatient when something is blocking the path. It’s harder to anticipate the curves.

This year has had so many twists and turns. A friend described it well the other day when she labeled it as “intense.” The pain has been intense, and so has the joy: all at the same time. We’re still facing twists and turns. Even so, I keep feeling like we’re on the verge of something wonderfully big, but we’re stuck behind a logging truck. I can’t see around it and it’s hard to not become impatient. I keep hoping the destination is just around the next curve, but it seems like I still have a long way to go.

I’m comforted in knowing that even though I can’t see what’s just past the logging truck, God knows because He has plans for us. He’s allowed us to face trials along the way so we’ll be prepared to face whatever’s coming up. If we were allowed to rush along at our own pace, we may miss out on some key ingredient to the bigger picture. Maybe being forced to slow down is God’s way of getting us to stop and fully experience our surroundings before moving on. After all, He sees what’s coming when we can’t… and He knows what we’re going to need in order to face whatever it is. If we could see the whole road at once, we’d be more likely to give up from the start and miss out on what’s at the next intersection. Eventually, we or the logging truck will turn and the view will again be clear… and that’s just what happened that day too.

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

James 1:2-5

New International Version (NIV)

Trials and Temptations

2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

www.biblegateway.com

Under the Weather

2011-08-10T20:49:00.000-07:00

On the way home from work the other day, I was under the weather. Literally. As I was leaving the office, the National Broadcast System reported that a Severe Thunderstorm Warning had been issued. The wind nearly blew the door out of my hand as I walked onto the porch, and the sky was dark. The atmosphere was ominous. As I pulled onto the highway headed home, I could see a patch of bright blue sky with big fluffy white clouds in the distance; it was such a stark contrast to the grey sky overhead. A few huge raindrops hit my windshield and I thought of the sheer power of God. He has control over even the wind and rain… and we are powerless over it. The sky was so incredible it was distracting. It was beautiful. At one point (after making sure no one was behind me), I had to pause to snap a quick picture of the sky with my phone. As I continued toward home, the edge of the storm clouds appeared to be staying just beyond my reach.

Anyone who has been following my blog has surely noticed a trend at this point. Since our daughter was born, I’ve had a strong connection/interest/fascination/whatever-you-want-to-call-it with the rain and storms. There are just so many analogies of God’s truth in them!! This time, I was thinking about the clouds themselves. The clouds above me looked like a dark blanket suspended just above the earth. I tried to imagine the top of the clouds and how bright they would be, even then, because of the light of the sun. I couldn’t see the clouds from that perspective because of my earth-bound point of view, but I could picture it in my mind. I thought back to the many trips I’ve taken by plane, and how I’ve always thought it seemed like I should be able to just step out onto the big sea of clouds. While in the air, I never thought about how dark those same clouds may look from the ground as they block the light of the sun from the earth.

So, I found myself staring in awe at the sky, and thought of how symbolic my drive home really was. This year so far has been covered by the darkest cloud I’ve ever seen. I can see the patch of bright, sunny sky on the horizon, but right now, it often seems just out of reach. I know it’s there and I haven’t forgotten about it or given up on it, but I’m just not quite there.

There were a few spots on the way home where the bright patch of sky was hidden by the tree line and the road seemed especially dark. Even though I couldn’t SEE the blue sky ahead though, I knew it was still there, and I’d occasionally catch little glimpses before it came fully into view once again.

Even during our darkest times lately, I’ve chosen to trust that the light from Christ the Son still exists. There are times when circumstances block the light from being visible, but I KNOW it’s still there. I know there will be a day that the atmosphere doesn’t seem quite so dark and ominous and we’ll once again soak in the light. I have hope.
In the meantime, I’ll cherish every ray of light I can catch and keep my eyes on the horizon where I see those big white, fluffy clouds waiting for me. When I can’t see those clouds, I’ll just have to remind myself that even though I’m under the weather, God’s still on top of it, and trust that the clouds are just as fluffy and white on the upside. The clouds that look dark from the ground looking up are just as beautiful in the light.

Hebrews 11

Faith in Action

1 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. 2 This is what the ancients were commended for.

3 By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible.

thump....thump..........thump

2011-08-06T22:46:00.000-07:00

It's that time of summer, when I hear a sporadic *thump*....... *thump*........................*thump* out on our wooden back deck. The apples are ripe. I'm glad the bees aren't out in full force like they were the summer we moved in a couple of years ago (has it already been that long??). It seems like I barely have time to think these days, and I when I do think, my thoughts are all over the place. I think about Carys: missing her, remembering her, looking forward to seeing her in Heaven, and fulfilling her purpose on earth. I think about Paxton, about how to provide for him to the best of my ability and do everything I can to meet the needs that he has, now and as he gets older (not to mention thinking about how much I enjoy his sweet little grins and the way he giggles in his sleep among other traits). I think about how my To Do list is much longer than the days allow, about the future of my career, and about the possible publisher for my first book (they've got the manuscript and I'm waiting for feedback!!). I think about the anencephaly support groups and working on having ribbons custom made to raise awareness about anencephaly, the youth group at church that has not been very active (and the fact that as their youth pastor, I need to be on top of that), the house that's not put together as well as I'd like for it to be, and my yard that is desperate need of attention... which brings me back to the apples.

*thump*

"Yeah... I need to get out there and pick apples, they're just going to waste... oh, but first I need to......."

*thump*

"Oh yeah, I still need to get out there.... but Paxton's hungry now..."

*thump*

Get the idea? My brain's going in so many directions I just feel like a basketcase at times. Most times these days, but anyway.

This afternoon, my parents came over to get some apples and mom took some of the fallen apples home for the horses. I picked some apples too and ended up with a sink full. In the kitchen, where I look around and see all the things that need to be done and all the organization that needs to happen... while the baby has an especially fussy evening. The big pile of apples in the sink just looked daunting. I started peeling and cutting the apples to make apple butter in the crock pot and had to stop a couple of times when Paxton decided he wanted attention. He finally settled down and I kept peeling. After a while, my hand started feeling like a blister was developing (wow, it's been a long time since I've done any kind of "real" manual labor haha). I was already tired of looking at the apples and my dear hubby suggested that I just not keep them all... and I considered taking that advice. But the stubborn streak showed itself. I don't like to waste things, and I had a sink full of apples.... and it wasn't like I couldn't finish the apples, I just didn't feel like it.

So, I kept peeling and cutting. My mind wandered as I cut around the imperfections in my wild apples and I thought of a movie clip where the mom was using damaged fruit as an analogy as she cut them up and commented about them making the best pies. Isn't that the truth. The worst situations sometimes do turn out to be the sweetest. I kept peeling and cutting. I thought of the sink faucet that needed to be fixed, and the pantry that needed to be organized, and the baby's clothes drawer that needed to be sorted... and I kept peeling and cutting.

Even when I got to a single layer of apples in the sink, I thought about just stopping there.... but again, it wasn't that I wasn't capable of finishing, I just didn't feel like it. My thoughts turned to the pregnancy and Carys' diagnosis. It was absolutely the most difficult thing I've ever faced. I felt like giving up. Continuing the day to day routines was hard at times. I wondered if I was capable of going through it... but somehow, God gave me the strength to keep going as long as I kept trying. I didn't feel like it, but I knew it was important. Somehow finishing the apples seemed more important to me then. I thought of how many amazing things have come from our beautiful, painful experience with Carys going on to Heaven without us. If I'd given up, I wouldn't have experienced the beautiful like I did; only the painful. If I'd taken the specialist up on his obligatory offer for "selective termination," I wouldn't have learned all the lessons Carys had to teach us and I wouldn't have had the opportunity to spend the time with her that we did. I wouldn't have been able to cherish every kick and hiccup. I wouldn't have heard her sweet little noises. She may not have had the same impact on the world around her if I'd given up. I know that we made the right decision for Carys and us. It was one of the hardest things I could imagine, but at the same time, I wouldn't trade what little bit of time I had with my daughter for anything.

Before long, I was down to the last two tiny apples. My hand was sore, but it didn't matter as much... it was worth it to finish what I started. The funny thing is, I know I could have just gone out to buy apple butter once I used the jar I've already got in the pantry, but that's not the point. Some of the best things in this life are the things that don't come easy. Besides, now I get to smell the apples cooking, and I can't think of many scents that are more comforting than that!!

Who knew peeling apples could be so therapeutic?? :)

A Touch of Heaven

2011-08-01T22:23:00.000-07:00

I had a good long chat with my friend Rhea the other night. We talked a lot about Heaven, and how her mom is probably enjoying some quality time with my baby girl (she was so excited about Aaron and me getting married after watching us grow up together in the church). Talking about Heaven always helps me feel more at peace when I’m having a rough time, and some days are pretty rough. I miss my daughter.

Nothing will ever convince me that we didn’t touch Heaven the day our babies were born. It seems like no matter how much I try to explain that, I can’t really do it justice with words. What we felt that day was not of this world. We felt just a portion of the incredible peace that fills Heaven.

We talked a lot about faith, and read some from Hebrews 11 (the “Faith Hall of Fame”). “Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen” (verse 1). It seems that many people confuse faith with believing God will heal anyone we ask Him to heal. I will admit, there was a time I hoped and asked… even begged for God to “heal” Carys. After her diagnosis, I even prayed that our story would be the miracle of God making Carys whole. Even at the time, though, I knew it might not be His will. At the next appointment, I wouldn’t have been surprised in the least if He had answered that prayer and allowed us to see a perfectly formed, round little skull for both babies- but He didn’t. That was the answer to my prayer. It wasn’t the answer I wanted, but I accepted it as the final answer He gave. I could picture Him, with sadness in His eyes (knowing our pain), telling me, “No, my daughter, I have something different planned for Carys. Something very special. I didn’t make a mistake in how I formed her, she’s perfect for my plan.”

I stopped asking Him to make her whole.

Every time I wanted to ask, it was as if I heard a gentle reminder, “She was formed very intentionally, just the way she is…” And so, the “theme” verse for my babies came about. “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations” (Jeremiah 1:5).
During the next few months, as they continued to grow and squirm, God frequently reminded me that He has plans for us. For ALL of us. Plans to give us hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). THAT is where the faith came in. Believing He had the capability of making Carys whole was easy. After all, He’s the one who formed her in the first place. Believing that He would turn the indescribable pain we were experiencing into something beautiful was a little harder to grasp. I knew He would… but it’s not as easy.

Regardless, I began to see Carys’ impact from a very early point in the pregnancy. After her diagnosis, she got people’s attention. She made a way for me to share my faith with others. I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that God loves me. Carys opened the door for me to share that with others (and remember, her name means love). In such a short time here, she left a huge legacy. She gave us a platform to share about God’s amazing love.

As wonderful as all of that is, one of the most valuable gifts God gave us through Carys came the day she and Paxton were born. The peace (and remember that Paxton’s name means peace). That indescribable, unearthly, enveloping peace. Even when Carys left this world, the peace stayed. THAT is a gift from God. Without that peace, I wouldn’t have been capable of coping with that day, or enjoying the brief time we had with her. Without that peace, I wouldn’t have made it through the funeral arrangements, or selecting burial plots… or the funeral. But God knew that, so He allowed us to experience that Heavenly peace.

I’ve wondered many times if we’d be able to know what was going on from Heaven. I’d wonder how we could keep from being sad if we knew. My thinking on that topic has changed (as has my thinking on many topics). Regardless of what we are capable of seeing from Heaven, how could we possibly feel anything of pain or sadness when we are in the very presence of God Himself? The Source of Peace. I can imagine we’ll be so overwhelmed by peace and love (WHO God is) that we will not have the capability of experiencing any form of sadness or loneliness, or anger, or pain. We’ll be so wrapped in God’s incredible, selfless love, that it won’t be possible for us to experience anything else. I’ve never been a shouter… but that just about makes me want to shout! We’ve known such pain here, I very much look forward to having our hurts wiped away.

I look forward to soaking in the love, peace, and joy that emanates from our Heavenly Father. I look forward to seeing the light that radiates from Him reflecting off the jewels in the walls of the New Jerusalem… what a rainbow that will be!!! I look forward to seeing the loved ones I knew who have finished the race ahead of me. I look forward to meeting my ancestors. I look forward to an eternity of peace, love, and joy. I look forward to having my family reunited and wrapping my arms around my baby girl.

Heaven is so real, and so close. There are times in life that it is so close you can feel it. Trust me, I know from experience. I wouldn’t wish the pain we’ve experienced on anyone…. But the joy. Oh, the joy that comes with touching Heaven… THAT, I wish I could share with the world.

Have YOU ever touched Heaven? Is death scary for you? It doesn’t have to be! Have faith that God's word is true.

John 14
Jesus Comforts His Disciples

1 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God[a]; believe also in me. 2 My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. 4 You know the way to the place where I am going.”

"Be still, and know that I am God..."

2011-07-13T12:37:00.000-07:00

"Be still, and know that I am God..." The comforter. Creator. Giver of Peace. Source of Hope. All knowing. All powerful. All Loving. Commander of angels. Selfless. Forgiving. Guiding. Understanding. Life planner. Life Saver. Compassionate. Passionate. Patient. Giving. Trustworthy. Wise. A Light in Darkness. Protector. Provider. Kind. Honorable. Worthy of praise. Truth. Shepherd. Nurturing. Empathetic.Almighty. Holy. Savior. Lord. Master. Mentor. Counselor. Healer. Father. GOD.

"He says, 'Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.'" Psalm 46:10

"Be still..."

"God is my Co-Pilot"

2011-07-11T17:21:00.000-07:00

God is My Co-Pilot

There was a time when I felt slightly irritated when I would see the bumper stickers and other products with the phrase, “God is my Co-Pilot.” I understood what it meant, but my mind argued, “Why isn’t He your Pilot??” This morning, the phrase came to mind but I started to think about it differently. There are times in our lives that God most definitely needs to be allowed to sit in the Pilot seat and we just need to let Him do the flying. There are also times where I believe He wants US to fly, relying on Him to guide us.

When God created us, He gave us free will. As Love, God is incapable of forcing us to follow His will. If He became selfish and decided to MAKE us follow Him, He would cease to be Love (as Scripture clearly says He is in 1 John 4:16 “And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.”). Love is not self-seeking (1 Corinthians 13). God created us to love Him, but cannot make us love Him. He just loves us regardless of what we choose, while we are free to make our choices and go where we want to go. We are our own pilots.

There have been many times lately that, even though I’m my own pilot, I’ve had to crawl into the co-pilot seat and allow Him the controls because I didn’t have the energy or the stability to do it on my own. That’s what happens when the storms get rough and the turbulence threatens to ground us (in a less-than graceful manner, might I add).

Now that I’m on the other side of the turbulence (for now), I believe God expects me to get back into the pilot seat and trust Him to be my wiser, experienced, mentoring Co-Pilot to get me where He wants me to be. There comes a point where He expects us to use what He’s given us through the turbulence to fulfill our part of His plan and fly the plane.

Whether we are piloting the plane or allowing God to when we can’t, the bigger picture is that He’s in the cockpit with us. He’s not going to leave us there alone, to face in solitude whatever is out there. The choice we have is to be stubborn and ignore His all-knowing guidance, or embrace the fact that we have such an amazing, loving God in the cockpit with us and fly when and where he says to fly.

Brokenness

2011-07-01T09:10:00.000-07:00

Holiness

Sonicflood

Holiness, holiness is what I long for.
Holiness is what I need.
Holiness, holiness is what You
want from me.

Holiness, holiness is what I long for.
Holiness is what I need.
Holiness, holiness is what You
want from me.

So, take my heart and form it.
Take my mind and transform it.
Take my will and conform it.
To Yours, to Yours, oh, Lord.

Faithfulness, faithfulness is what I
long for.
Faithfulness is what I need.
Faithfulness, faithfulness is what.
You want from me.

Brokenness, brokenness is what I
long for.
Brokenness is what I need.
Brokenness, brokenness is what
You want from me.

______________________________________________________________________

It may sound strange to say God wants us to be broken. In fact, it sounds like the type of statement that might make a person want to say, “If God wants me to be broken, why would I want anything to do with him?” However, as with a great many areas of life, the rest of the story goes much deeper.

I can think of no one who was more broken than Job. Scripture tells us that satan was looking for someone to test and God asked, “have you considered my servant Job?” Talk about some confidence! No pressure, Job. Satan was allowed to test Job within the boundaries that God set. He lost his children (plural!!), his wealth, and his health, while he received well-intentioned poor advice from his friends and wife.

There are so many lessons that could be discussed from the book of Job, but in an attempt to make this a more readable length, I’ll abbreviate. A few of the lesson concepts that come to my mind when I think of Job’s story are:

1. Satan can’t do anything to us that God doesn’t allow.

2. God only allows what He knows we are capable of enduring.

3. When we’re facing serious trials, other people can say some pretty hurtful, discouraging things when trying to be helpful (so be sure to pray for wisdom and guidance before opening your mouth to speak to a hurting friend or loved one… or stranger for that matter!).

4. Even when we are at our lowest points physically, spiritually, and emotionally, God does not abandon us.

5. God ultimately wants good things for His children and HAS A PLAN, even for the brokenness.

I would like to focus on one of those points. In the midst of Job’s brokenness, God had a plan. He knew Job’s heart and what Job was capable of withstanding. Job’s struggle was unreal. My story is so mild in comparison. As familiar as I now am with pain and sorrow, I’m sure I only have a glimpse of what Job was experiencing. Even still, Job was willing to listen to God. The dialogue in the book of Job is incredible. When going back to read the dialogue, one verse specifically stood out to me. In Job 42:5 Job says, “My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.”

There is such a difference between hearing of God and seeing God; between knowing OF God, and knowing God. Here in the “Bible Belt,” most of us have heard about God. We know the typical Bible stories we heard as children. We know “God is good” and “God loves us,” but until we actually SEE God, we can’t fully understand what it all means. Self gets in the way of seeing. We get so distracted by all the insignificant desires of this life that all we see is what is directly in front of us- we can’t see the forest for the trees, in other words. It is not until we are broken that we can see clearly.

Imagine trying to get a child’s full attention in an amusement park with a candy store and an arcade. It’s not going to happen. But, if you take away the candy, take away the rides, take away the games… and stand face to face, you’ll get somewhere. There may be a lot of screaming and crying, but eventually, you’ll get somewhere. There are times when God may use brokenness (that state of being where we are at rock bottom and have nowhere to look but up) to help us see what really is important. Otherwise, we may miss out on the best part. Maybe God wants you to turn around and see the newest, best ride at the park, but you have to stop and listen to Him so He can show you.

One final lesson for today from the book of Job… you can’t have a rainbow without a little Rainn!

Psalm 34:18

New International Version (NIV)
¹⁸ The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 147:3

New International Version (NIV)
³ He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.

Songs about the Rain

2011-06-25T09:58:00.000-07:00

I'd never noticed before just how many songs there are that either mention rain or are about the rain. Just to start the list, there are three in the playlist at the bottom of the page:

Mercy Me- Bring the Rain
Casting Crowns- Praise You in the Storm
Healing Rain - Michael W. Smith

What songs come to your mind with the rain theme?

Contest Results are in!

2011-06-24T12:47:00.000-07:00

Congratulations, "Birthday Buddy!"

Contact me for your copy of Todd Burpo's
"Heaven is for Real"

Thanks everyone for your input, I'll do this again sometime!

Caption Contest Entries - Vote now!

2011-06-22T10:30:00.000-07:00

Check out the entries below, then select your favorite by submitting it at the top of the page. The winner of the book will be announced Friday afternoon!

*****If the poll is not working, feel free to leave your vote in the comments :) I'll still count it!****

1. Aunt Amy said...
Paxton says... "Being this perfect wears me out!"

2. April said...
Cuz april said....paxton says..."mom you really woke me up for this?"

3. Lara said...
Paxton says..."I love you too.....but can I pleeeeeease go back to sleep now?"

4. Meggie said...
Yes, yes mom & dad I know I'm cute but can I please just go back to sleep.

5. Crystal said...
Just a little bit longer and I will be able to go play with the kids and I can't wait. But right now I need a little more sleep.

6. Papaw Jim said...
Can you Believe IT... 2 Ounces and I believe I could hold one more.. Maybe?

7. Ruthie said...
Paxton says..I know I am handsome
but can you please turn out the lights????????

8. Tamara Sparks said...
Ooh, this burping is hard work for a small fellow.

9. rebma81 said...
Just 5 more minutes, Mom!

10. Pam said...
If I hear,"isn't he precious, or just look at those little toes one more time I think I'm going to spew!"

11. Holly said...
Mom, how many times do I have to tell you? I am NOT a morning person.

12. Tante Erin said...
Mom, I'm telling you. There are no more burps in this little body!! Oii, I'm exhausted.

13. Aunt Beth said...
SERIOUSLY!!??!!

14. Ritha said...
....is Papaw finished preachin' yet ? ! ? !

15. Birthday Buddy said...
If I hear, "Just one more picture sweetie." one more time!! Just put the camera down, and no one gets hurt!

16. Mamaw Pam said...
"This eating stuff is ok, but I want to get home and get to the spoiling by Grandma!"

CAPTION CONTEST!

2011-06-20T09:51:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned in last night's blog entry (Rainbows and Rainy Days),

it's time for a caption contest.

So, I chose a favorite photo of Paxton from his time in the NICU.

It's begging for a caption!

(keep in mind, he's my sweet, innocent baby boy)

Here's the deal:

If I have at least 10 caption entries (from 10 different people) by 1:00 on Wednesday (48 hours from now), I will then post a poll with the entries and allow voting. The caption with the most votes will receive a copy of Todd Burpo's book, "Heaven Is For Real"

Happy Captioning!!

(Though I'm sure it won't be an issue, any caption that may be considered as disrespectful will be promptly removed)

Rainbows and Rainy Days

2011-06-19T21:00:00.000-07:00

A couple of nights ago, I was having one of those evenings when it all still seemed so fresh and raw. I expect those times to come…. And they do. I was missing Carys horribly and had been doing my fair share of crying. I was trying to pull myself together and saw a text from a dear friend. The text read, “I think Carys is about to rain on us!” (Thanks Leslie!)

Perfect timing. I smiled.

It helped some to think about the rain (since the rain now makes me feel closer to my baby girl), but of course it didn’t take away the sting. Then, I signed into facebook. I saw a status message about a huge rainbow in the area that I apparently had missed. I smiled a little more. Then, I noticed at least three people posted pictures of the same rainbow. Full rainbow, end to end, and very bright. It helped.

Every time it rains, I think of my daughter more than usual. It would seem other people do too, and that makes me really smile. It gives me comfort. After church tonight, I just missed another rainbow… but I was able to enjoy it thanks to another friend, who texted a picture of it to me (thanks Rhea!).

Rainbows are not only beautiful, they’re also very symbolic… and intentionally so.

Genesis 9:12-16
12 And God said, “This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come: 13 I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. 14 Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, 15 I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. 16 Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth.”
(NIV, www.biblegateway.com)

All life will never again be destroyed by the floods. He promised. Rainbows serve as a reminder of God’s promises to us… and He has also promised to prepare a place for me where I can once again hold my daughter in my arms!!

John 14:1-4
New International Version (NIV)
Jesus Comforts His Disciples
1 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God[a]; believe also in me. 2 My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. 4 You know the way to the place where I am going.”

So, I know that Carys doesn’t make it rain (but I like to think that sometimes she may pray for it as a reminder to us), but the rain is a reminder of her. When I see rainbows, I think of beauty after the Rainn… I think of God’s promises… and I think of the splendor of Heaven.

Ezekiel 1:28
New International Version (NIV)
28 Like the appearance of a rainbow in the clouds on a rainy day, so was the radiance around him.
This was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the LORD. When I saw it, I fell facedown, and I heard the voice of one speaking.

Like the appearance of a rainbow in the clouds on a rainy day.... THAT is how Ezekiel described the radiance surrounding the Lord. Oh, how I love dwelling on that though. Some day, I will be in the presence of that radiance. Some day, I'll join my sweet baby girl and other loved ones in that glorious place.

Praise God, Heaven is For Real... and closer than we even realize.

Wishing you peace, joy, and Rainnbows :)
~Keri

***Be watching (and Follow My Blog if you're not already!) because soon, there will be a contest, and I'm planning to give away a copy of Todd Burpo's book, Heaven is For Real.***

Perspectives

2011-06-13T03:54:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago, I caught part of a documentary called, “The Evidence for Heaven.” One of the people being interviewed said that usually, if someone has a near death experience and sees Heaven, they no longer fear death. I believe that. I’ve said it here before that I feel like we got a glimpse of Heaven the day our babies were born. Thought it wasn’t a visual glimpse, it was a spiritual one. My perspective on death has certainly changed. I don’t really fear it now. Heaven still seems closer. It’s almost like I can see it through the rain.

With that in mind, I’ve thought a lot lately about perspectives in general, and how life events can change them so drastically. Our daughter lived seven hours and 13 minutes… and for her, that was a long time (how could 7 hours and 13 minutes of life seem long??). Life seems so much more fragile. I connect with so many songs and scripture passages on a deeper level. The old Hymns about Heaven speak more closely to my heart. I think of death as painful to those left behind, but very much joyful for one who has entered into a Heavenly home. I feel more focused on what matters. Many petty things that seemed important before have lost their thrill. This world is so temporary, and it’s important to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you have a relationship that is right with God.

Those who do not know God on a personal level need to hear this clearly: God loves you. He allows you to make your own decisions, and you have the choice whether or not to love Him in return, but He created you because He loves you and has a plan for you. He wants you to love Him (put Him first and put self aside). He wants a relationship with you. Individually you. He wants you to be prepared so when the time comes to leave this world, you can join Him in the place He created for you.

We’re all individuals, and by nature, self-absorbed to a degree (some more than others, but everyone has a self-centered nature). We can’t help it, we only know about the world through our own eyes and mind. We can’t read one another’s thoughts or feel one another’s feelings. We weren’t designed that way- that’s the gift of being individuals. However, we can make an effort to understand where someone else is coming from.

Have you ever embarrassed yourself or gotten into a predicament because you based your reaction to a situation on your own, limited perspective or misunderstanding? I’m sure we probably all have. I’m sure we’ve all probably also been hurt by others who make comments or take action without knowing or understanding the full story. We see it all the time. People say uninformed things that, if they knew the whole story, I’d like to think they’d never dream of saying. When people ask if Paxton is our first child, it’s hurtful. It seems like we’re leaving Carys out if we just say yes and nothing more. Of course… people who ask that have no way of knowing our story or that such a simple, well-intentioned question could be hurtful. They’re not expected to know.

Even so, there’s a big difference in being self-centered by nature and self-centered by choice. I think that’s part of the gift of free will that God gave us. We have the choice to be selfish (sinful) and concern ourselves only with our own wants and needs, or to put others first and try to understand the world from a broader perspective. Scripture says that God is Love (1 John 4:8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. – NIV), and that love is not self-seeking (go read 1 Corinthians 13). If we want to be sure our relationship with God is healthy, we have to change our perspective outward rather than in toward self.

We tend to worry about so many insignificant things in this world that, in the grand scheme of things, don’t really matter. What really matters is where we stand in our relationship with God. Are you loving God, or are you loving self? Only one way will get you to your Heavenly home. I don’t know about you, but I want to see my Heavenly Father and my loved ones who have gone on. I want to once again hold my daughter.

I am still amazed at what a huge impact has been made by a sweet little 3 lb baby girl. She’s changed my perspective on many things… and I believe that’s why God blessed me with the privilege of being her mommy.

2 Corinthians 5

New International Version (NIV)

2 Corinthians 5

Awaiting the New Body

¹ For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. ² Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, ³ because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. ⁴ For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. ⁵ Now the one who has fashioned us for this very purpose is God, who has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

⁶ Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. ⁷ For we live by faith, not by sight. ⁸ We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. ⁹ So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. ¹⁰ For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each of us may receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad.

The Ministry of Reconciliation

¹¹ Since, then, we know what it is to fear the Lord, we try to persuade others. What we are is plain to God, and I hope it is also plain to your conscience. ¹² We are not trying to commend ourselves to you again, but are giving you an opportunity to take pride in us, so that you can answer those who take pride in what is seen rather than in what is in the heart. ¹³ If we are “out of our mind,” as some say, it is for God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. ¹⁴ For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. ¹⁵ And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.

¹⁶ So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. ¹⁷ Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:^[a] The old has gone, the new is here! ¹⁸ All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: ¹⁹ that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. ²⁰ We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. ²¹ God made him who had no sin to be sin^[b] for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

Footnotes:

2 Corinthians 5:17 Or Christ, that person is a new creation.
2 Corinthians 5:21 Or be a sin offering

(www.biblegateway.com)

"There should be two."

2011-06-03T16:51:00.001-07:00

I've found that I don't sit in the nursery very often. I love the rocker/glider in there, but it seems like every time I sit in it, I look around the room and think about the nursery we'd planned- the one with two cribs. It's easy to start thinking things like, "There should be two cribs," "There should be little girl things in here," or "I should be rocking them both." I have to admit, those thoughts hurt. But, it seems that as quickly as they come, I hear God speaking to my heart to say, "I had other plans for her... she IS where she should be."

It seems like we always have an idea in our minds about what things should look like. We base it on what others tell us, on past experience, or on what we see (in media or life in general). When we found out we were having twins, we naturally started imagining what we thought it was going to be like. Though the thought was a bit overwhelming, we were excited. I was excited. Others made comments about how we'd have our hands full... like it was a bad thing... but I welcomed the challenge. I was looking forward to it. When we learned of Carys' diagnosis, all of that changed. Comments (by the unknowing) about us having our hands full with twins became heartbreaking. It wasn't how it was "supposed" to be. We should have had our hands full; because that's what we'd pictured. We thought that was the plan. In reality, Carys had a much different purpose here.

I think it all goes back to our human desire for things to be predictable and stable. Even those of us who love spontaneity expect things to work out as we plan (even if the plans are last minute). It can be difficult to process and accept when it doesn't happen the way we've pictured. I've written before about the natural tendency we all have to desire control over something. It seems like even our desire for control is a desire to know that something we do will have a predictable outcome. It makes us feel safe. This world can feel very un-safe sometimes, and not knowing what is going to happen can be scary. After all, isn't fear just anxiety about the unknown?

Situations we can control (that work out as we plan and picture them) help us feel more secure, but if we had control over every situation, how would that work out in reality? We have such a limited view of the world, and of life in general. We see things from a very small perspective in the grand scheme of things. I think I've shared the analogy before that a philosophy professor of mine shared in an undergrad class, but just in case I haven't, here it is: To think about time on earth, as we know it, picture yourself standing beside a street to watch a parade. You wait for the parade to begin, then watch each float, one by one, as it passes in front of you. Now, to think of God's point of view, imagine being at the top of a tall building to watch the parade. From that perspective, the parade is visible from beginning to end, without waiting. That's "time" outside of this world. That's how God sees it. He knows what's at the end of the parade when we are still watching the first float. If we were to have control over every situation, while only seeing one float at a time, we may not be prepared for what comes next. This is where faith comes in.

Hebrews 11:1
New International Version (NIV)
Faith in Action

1 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.New International Version (NIV)
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica

It's always tempting to allow ourselves to dwell on what we think "should" be. Other people "should" be nicer. Our cars "should" run properly. The order "should" be filled as requested. It "should" be easier than this. Who says things "should" go like we want them to all the time? Some of our shoulds would be nice to have, but there's no law that says it has to be that way. We may be more comfortable if every situation went our way... for a while. However, if we want to have whatever God has planned for us in this life, we have to be able to accept the good with the bad. If we want God to bless us, we have to let go of our desire for control and let Him call the shots... after all, He sees the end of the parade when we don't.

James 1:2-4
New International Version (NIV)
Trials and Temptations

2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

New International Version (NIV)

If things had gone how I'd imagined them, I'd be rocking both of my babies to sleep. There would be two cribs, two bouncy seats, two car seats; two of everything. We'd have our hands full but I would be snuggling with both of my children (and Kleenex sales wouldn't have had such a sharp rise over the past few months!). As much as I miss Carys and wish that was the plan, it wasn't. It's hard. I'm at peace with what has happened, but it doesn't make me not miss my baby girl. Even when I miss her the most, though, I have faith that God is working. I've said it before, and I'm sure I'll say it for the rest of my life, but Carys was intentionally created just the way she was. She was so perfect... and her purpose here has only just begun. Carys was created exactly how Carys should be... and I'm going to continue to trust that God loves us and knows exactly what He's doing.

Looking forward to Nostalgia being a thing of the past.

2011-05-25T01:52:00.000-07:00

–noun

a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a formertime in one's life, to one's home or homeland, or to one'sfamily and friends; a sentimental yearning for the happinessof a former place or time: a nostalgia for his college days.

something that elicits or displays nostalgia.

Origin:
1770–80; < Neo-Latin < Greek nóst ( os ) a return home + -algia -algia

—Related forms

nos·tal·gic, adjective

nos·tal·gi·cal·ly, adverb

I caught part of an episode of Clean House the other day, and one moment stood out to me. A young girl was asked to give up her piano, which she infrequently played, to make room for the new room design. When asked why it was important to her, she became teary when she responded that it reminded her of her grandmother, who had passed away. Her response led me to think about why it is that we become attached to physical objects in this world. I’m one of the worst for this… some may refer to it as being a pack rat, I prefer to think that I’m just sentimental. It can be hard to let go of physical objects when we attach such emotional meaning to them.

It can be amusing when we stop to take a look at some of the things we attach to our memories. I keep thinking of an old episode of Full House where Kimmy and DJ were calling their friendship quits and giving back all their keepsakes. I don’t remember all of the keepsakes, but I remember some of them being very strange, such as one of the girls giving back the other’s dental retainer. I’m sure you’ve all either kept something strange as a keepsake or know others that have. People tend to keep things like an article of clothing that was worn at a special occasion long after it can be worn (on that note, still haven’t decided what to do with my wedding dress…), movie tickets, dried flowers, wedding napkins, autographs (just ink on paper, right?)… I know of people keeping their baby’s umbilical cord stump once it’s fallen off, or keeping all of their children’s baby teeth. In all honesty though, what do you DO with all of these things?? I’ve been guilty of keeping some strange stuff myself that, when I went back years later, I wondered, “why did I keep that?”

The point is, we have a tough time moving forward sometimes. Things are always changing. We’re always getting older. Nothing will ever be the same. That’s a phrase that has gone through my head so often lately. Nothing will ever be the same. Our family will never be the same. I will never be the same. When life changes, we change. We can’t go back to how things were, and that can be scary. It’s easy to become nostalgic in such a fast paced, ever-changing world. We were designed to live in paradise with our Heavenly Father. When selfishness (sin) entered the world, the security and stability of paradise were lost on this earth, and we continue to long for it. As time flies past us, we grasp at it and come out with scattered memories and mementos of what’s already behind. We can’t slow it down. This wasn’t how God designed it to be, but mankind used our God-given free will and made it that way.

BUT, Praise God, this world isn’t the end. We were given another chance to enjoy the peace, comfort, and stability of Heaven. I look forward to the day when nostalgia is in the past (ha!). I look forward to not having a longing for what’s past but to be content with current existence. I look forward to not missing loved ones or good times, or not worrying about what I need to do next.

In the mean time, I want to focus on the mementos that keep me Heavenly minded. Isn’t that what cemeteries should be, after all? We look at death as some horrible thing, but for a child of God, it is a release into God’s very presence. We long for the ones who have gone on, and it’s so easy to want to go back to the times we had with them because that’s what we know. It’s hard to imagine what we’ve not yet experienced, but the more I learn about Heaven, the more I desire to go forward.

Over the weekend, I went to Carys’ grave. I listened to the audio clips on my phone of the sweet little noises she made after she was born. I wanted to tell her again how much we love her and miss her here. I wanted to apologize that I didn’t have anything there for her, and when I went back to take some flowers for her grave, I wanted to apologize I didn’t have something better, since I’d used what I had on hand. I wanted to talk to her… but I kept thinking, “she’s not really here.” Monday, I went to get flowers to make a more personalized arrangement for Carys’ grave. I know she’s not really there, but I need the reminder. I need to focus on the glimpse of Heaven we were blessed to see while we had Carys in our arms. After all, that’s what it’s really all about! So, as soon as I can, I'll take the new flowers to her grave to say, "I remember, and I'm looking forward." See you soon, baby girl... i love you!

So, what strange mementos or keepsakes have you all found yourself keeping? J

(Some people have told me they’ve had difficulty posting comments here. If you have trouble, please let me know at kitchen.ak@gmail.com... thanks!)

"Only God, who makes things grow"

2011-05-20T10:43:00.000-07:00

On Monday, the day before Uncle Stanley’s funeral, my peace lilly bloomed. It hasn’t bloomed in years. In fact, it hasn’t bloomed since I’ve had it. I’m pretty sure I’ve had it since my Mamaw Harris’ funeral about 8 years ago. Interesting timing, right? I think it’s just like God to send the blossom of peace on a day it was so needed. I told my sister that it bloomed, and she said, “that’s what happened with my begonia!” We all have a start of the angel wing begonia that’s been in mom’s family for generations. My sister said that our Grannie Mim (mom’s mom) would ask her frequently, “Has your begonia bloomed yet?” When Amy would say no and that she didn’t know what she was doing wrong, our grandmother would respond with a smile, “It will bloom when it’s ready.” It bloomed the day of her funeral.

1 Corinthians 3:5-8

⁵ What, after all, is Apollos? And what is Paul? Only servants, through whom you came to believe—as the Lord has assigned to each his task. ⁶ I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow. ⁷ So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow. ⁸ The one who plants and the one who waters have one purpose, and they will each be rewarded according to their own labor. ⁹ For we are co-workers in God’s service; you are God’s field, God’s building.

I have lots of plants in my house. I don’t always do a great job with remembering to water them, but for the most part they do ok. Obviously, they do better when I put them in a sunny spot and remember to hydrate them. I always feel so excited when I see new growth from my plants. Last summer, I spent a lot of time working to turn my side yard into a little flower garden, too. I had many people give me starts of their plants to get it going. Not everything is blooming yet, but I’m anxious to see how it continues to grow (and anxious to get out in the yard and do some work out there; it needs it!). The thing is I can do lots of things to help give my plants the right environment and nutrients, but I can’t MAKE them grow, and I certainly can’t make them bloom. In a post on caringbridge a while back, I’d shared the same thought about babies. We can do everything we know to do to bring a healthy baby into the world, but it’s truly out of our control. God is the only one who can make them grow.

I think it extends far beyond plants and babies. There are so many things in life we try to control, whether or not we even realize we’re doing it. We get frustrated so easily when things don’t go our way. We can’t control the weather to keep a ballgame from being postponed. We can’t control the traffic that makes us late to work. We can’t control the deer that jumps out in front of us, or the car battery that quits working at the most inopportune time. We can’t always make our children and other loved ones happy.

We can try to plan events after looking at a weather forecast, leave early for work, drive cautiously and watch for deer, schedule routine maintenance on our cars, and be available and attentive to our loved ones to try to encourage happiness… but we can’t just make it all happen the way we want it to happen. It’s not in our power – and that’s OK. We can do our part, but in the end, the result is not up to us.

After being under such emotional strain for the past 5 months, I’m finding it difficult to relax emotionally. The only way I can think to describe it is the emotional equivalent of going non-stop for days, working hard (I’m thinking of experiences with mission trips or being a camp counselor), and finally sitting down for a minute, only to find that it all catches up with you and you’re so exhausted you don’t think you can move. Have you ever been there?

It’s almost like I’m afraid to relax, and I catch myself wondering if something else is going to happen and keep the stress and tension going. I’ve been finding myself worrying about things I know I don’t need to worry about. God has more than reassured me that He’s watching out for our best interests. It’s just hard to let down my defenses, though I know that IF something else happens, I have a Heavenly Father who knows what I need. I’m having to remind myself of that. I don’t doubt God’s ability, only mine. Even though I know that “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13), I question my own ability in so many things. I’ve had to let go of so much lately, but I’m sure that will continue. Things won’t always go as I hope they do, and I won’t always be able to “fix” things I want to fix. But I know who can, and I pray for the continued strength to do my part, take a deep breath and allow Him to work at making the seeds grow.

I thought the storm was over...

2011-05-14T19:36:00.000-07:00

I thought the storm was over. Yesterday, we had a storm surge. My dad’s brother, Stanley, passed away very unexpectedly. The family is in shock, he was in great health. With everything we’ve been through over the past few months, I think one of the hardest things for me is to watch my family go through this. I don’t have any doubt where my Uncle Stanley is. I’m not sad for him, but my heart breaks for my family. Even the strongest of people become exhausted.

When my Aunt Esther passed away a few years ago (dad’s sister), I remember Uncle Stanley shouting, “Hallelujah! She’s in Glory!” I also remember dad later commenting, “I’m not crying for her, I’m crying for us.”

For obvious reasons, the brevity of life has been on my mind quite a bit lately. We never know when we’re going to leave this world and face eternity. When it’s time to go, it’s time to go; regardless of age, or health, or our future plans. Here on earth, it’s so hard to let go. Change can be scary. We become accustomed to having our loved ones around and take comfort in the security and stability of their presence (and what a blessing it is for God to allow us the privilege of loving them). The thought of not having them nearby, to no longer have the opportunity to call them to ask a question or tell a story, or enjoy their company and share their life stories, is overwhelming to say the least, even knowing that in time, we can see them again. Time can be scary too.

When Paxton wakes up hungry and is ready to eat, he’s ready to eat right then. Like babies do, he’ll frantically try to pull whatever is close to his mouth in to try to satisfy his hunger, whether it’s a finger, a burp cloth, or maybe even his whole fist. His instinct to satisfy that hunger is the priority, and he’s not capable of being patient just yet. When we lose a loved one, it means our lives will never again be the same, and we will be separated from their presence as long as we’re in this world. It means things have instantly changed and we have no choice or control in the matter. As a result of losing those we love, we have that overwhelming desire for continuity and stability. There is no way on earth to actually satisfy that desire, no matter what we try to grasp around us. All we can do is cling to the hope that we can see them again in Heaven, because we certainly have that hope. The hard part is that we, like infants, have trouble waiting. We see earth as concrete and “forever in Heaven” seems so abstract and distant….. but it’s so much closer than we even realize. One day, Paxton will understand that when mommy says the food is coming, he’s gonna be able to make it until the food comes. As hard as it to wrap our earth-bound minds around it, we can make it until Heaven comes for us.

I understand more and more why I have heard people throughout my life say they were homesick for Heaven. I used to always think, “but there’s so much more I want to do here first!” While I still have many things I want to do here on earth, I truly do feel more and more homesick for Heaven. I long for my baby girl and the family that has gone on before. I used to think I wouldn’t want to leave my family and friends here on earth, but the fact is that for those who are ready, I wouldn’t even have time to miss them because there is no such thing as time as we know it in Heaven. I long for stability, peace and comfort. Scripture says that Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. (Hebrews 13:8). Same. He doesn’t change. I long to be in a place where “He will wipe every tear from their eyes,” and “There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away” (Revelation 21:4). I'm so tired of tears.

There are moments my weary heart cries, “Oh, Come, Lord Jesus.” But then I feel an overwhelming sadness as I think of those who wouldn’t be ready. I feel compelled now to ask, whoever is following my blog, are you ready? If not, what is holding you back? You have a Heavenly Father who Loves YOU. The things in this life are not the ultimate goal. When “bad” things happen, God isn’t toying with you, He has a plan for you. “¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart” (Jeremiah 29:11-13). God is not self-seeking, God’s love is perfect. I could never emphasize that enough. He has freely given the gift of eternal life in Heaven… what could possibly be a legitimate excuse for turning it down?

I truly don’t know how anyone could make it through the storms we’ve experienced over the past several months without believing in God’s amazing Love and accepting Him as Christ and Savior. I don’t know how I could possibly survive without trusting that He has plans to prosper us and not to harm us. He wants us to have hope and a future. I know it’s easy to just see the storm clouds, but seeing what is beyond the dark clouds is where faith comes in.

I know there is a Heaven, and it’s not really so far away. I know that God has made a place for His children there. I know my baby girl has met her great Uncle Stanley and he has been reunited with his sister, parents, and many other loved ones. Hallelujah, He’s in Glory! Being on this side of Heaven certainly has its trials, and letting go is never easy, but thank God Heaven is real and we have hope for an eternal life surrounded by absolute love.

I want to rejoice with you there. Are you ready?

Heavenly Father,

I’ve experienced your amazing peace and comfort during loss. I pray you would allow all of Uncle Stanley’s loved ones to experience your peace and comfort during this time. We rejoice in knowing he’s in Your presence, but our hearts ache here. I pray that you would send the Comforter to those hurting and grieving our loss on earth. Please allow another glimpse of Heaven for this family, Lord, and allow us the strength to keep moving forward. I trust your plans for us, even though right now it’s hard to understand your timing. At this moment, it’s hard to even know the words to pray, but I trust you, Lord. Even when I feel like everything is crashing in, I trust you. Please speak to whoever may be reading these words, Father. Prompt them to search their hearts and help them find the joy of knowing your love, your peace, your strength, and your comfort. Thank you, Father, for loving me.

Amen.

For anyone who had the pleasure of knowing my Uncle Stanley, please feel free to share your favorite memories of him.

Stanley Lester Harris 1945-2011

Weathering the Storms

2011-05-11T18:45:00.000-07:00

Photo of Speedway in Ashland from a friend's facebook

Most of the day yesterday, my thoughts were once again on the rain... and what rain there was! There was flash flooding in places I've never seen flooded. I frequently thought of those who may not be in places safe from the storm. It can be scary to think about how dangerous storms can be and how helpless we can become. The weather remains one of those things humans really have no control over, and it can be a powerful thing.

There are many storms in life that are dangerous and scary. Some are weather related, some are physical, some are spiritual.... but there are many storms. The storms will involve factors beyond our control that leave us feeling helpless. They are going to come. Though it is impossible to be prepared for everything, being prepared can certainly help. All throughout school, we had drills for the possibility of tornadoes or fires; to help prepare us for possible disasters. We can prepare for disasters by developing emergency plans and purchasing insurance plans to cover homes, health, vehicles, and belongings, and even financial support in the event of the death of a loved one. Insurance in these instances may help to reduce some fear, but it doesn't necessarily make the fear go away entirely.

Even with the planning involved in preparing for the storms of life, there will still be difficulties. Fear seems to be one of satan's most commonly used tools. We fear the "what if's," and the losses (whether materially or of life). Even the best health insurance won't keep us from fearing a car accident, or home owner's insurance from fearing a fire. Going through storms is typically unpleasant. We don't know the outcome, or how unpleasant the experience will become. If we watch the waters rise, we're going to wonder how far they'll come and how deep they'll run- what will be covered and destroyed.

There will always be storms.We can try to prepare for them physically as much as possible, but we also need to prepare spiritually. Knowing the storms are going to come, we have to remember who does have power over the storms.

Matthew 8:23-27

Jesus Calms the Storm

²³ Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. ²⁴ Suddenly a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. ²⁵ The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!” ²⁶ He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.
²⁷ The men were amazed and asked, “What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!”

He may not always calm the storms as they rage (sometimes we have have to wait them out) but we can certainly take comfort in Him, who has power over the storms. We know our Heavenly Father has a plan for us, and we can trust Him. God IS Love, and Love is not self-seeking. We can rest assured knowing that our Heavenly Father truly has our best interests in mind. He wants good things for us because He loves us... but because He sees the whole picture when we don't, He knows that sometimes we have to weather the storm to see the rainbow on the other side. The journey is a necessary part of the outcome, it's part of what makes us mature and complete.

James 1:2-5 (New International Version)

Trials and Temptations

² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

So, we've been through quite the storm over the past several months. We've experienced the what-if's and the pain of loss. We watched the waters rise, but they are slowly returning. We will always feel the effects of this storm, it has left a deeper impact than we ever could have expected. I don't think there is any possible way we could have prepared for this storm entirely, but by God's grace, we have survived somehow. We will never be the same, but we have survived.

Today, after the major storms we experienced yesterday, the sky was blue, and the clouds were white and fluffy. Today, after the storm we've endured for months, we brought our sweet baby boy home from the NICU. It was unexpected today, but we are so thankful and blessed.

We're looking forward to getting settled into our family routines and continuing to move forward. We'll still face many storms in this life, and i'm sure we'll have the normal new mommy and daddy what-if's and concerns, but i think there's a difference. After all we've been through to this point, I know we'll make it, even when it gets tough. We know the one who has power over the storms.

Remembering the Miracles

2011-05-07T09:31:00.000-07:00

So, three weeks into maternity leave and I’m sitting at home with no baby. I have to be honest, I’m having a hard time with it. We miss Carys, but I know she’s safe and in the arms of Love; God, Himself. Paxton is laying in his little bed in the hospital about 40 minutes away. I know he’s ok, and that the nurses there are taking good care of him, but it’s just getting harder and harder to leave him there. It helps to know that he’s not sick and we’re just waiting for him to outgrow some of the preemie concerns, but still, he’s not at home with us and that’s not easy. I don't know when, but I know he’ll be home. For now, though, the nursery is empty. Tomorrow is my first Mother’s day, and that’s not really making it any easier.

I feel like it’s only right for me to share just as much when I am really struggling. I’m trying to change my focus; it’s just not coming easily to me right now. I don’t want to focus on what’s not in my control. I know it doesn’t help anything. I want to focus on the fact that God gave us two big miracles in little packages. One miracle, we had to let go. The other will be home, even if it’s not as soon as his mommy would like.

I truly believe that satan is sneaky and manipulative and has so many tactics to distract us from God’s love and the joy that comes from knowing it. I feel like he’s been trying to distract me. Yesterday I had the fearful thought that as time goes on, Carys would be forgotten. I know her mommy and daddy will never forget her, but she made such an impact on so many, I don’t want that to be lost. I know that we, by nature, are forgetful beings. For some crazy reason, we even forget big miracles and begin to act like they never happened…. That thought really bothers me.

This brings me to think of the Israelites, wandering in the wilderness. Exodus 15 picks up right after the Egyptians were covered by the Red Sea and the Israelites were able to escape their captivity. The Israelites are rejoicing and praising God for the miracle that took place... and what a huge miracle it was! God parted the Red Sea through Moses’ willingness to be used. Emphasis on parted the Red Sea. They were able to walk across on dry ground. That’s not something I would think could be quickly forgotten. I can’t imagine a more obvious method for God to reassure His people, “Don’t worry, I’m taking care of you.” Yet, before Exodus 15 has even concluded, the Israelites are again grumbling.

“²² Then Moses led

Israel

from the Red Sea and they went into the Desert of Shur. For three days they traveled in the desert without finding water. ²³ When they came to Marah, they could not drink its water because it was bitter. (That is why the place is called Marah.^[f]) ²⁴ So the people grumbled against Moses, saying, “What are we to drink?””

Seriously? They just walked through the Red Sea…. On dry ground. And they’re whining about something to drink as if God can’t provide that too? How quickly we get distracted when our focus strays from the miracles and God’s amazing love. When things don't happen in OUR time, we tend to lose focus.

I’m still trying to focus on God’s miracles throughout this time, but I need His help. I’m tired, our schedule is so out of whack I barely know what day it is, let alone the time. I have moments where I struggle with the loss of our baby girl, and moments where I just break down because I want my son to be at home in my arms. I want to be home as a family to get settled in and move forward because right now, I feel stuck. I have a billion thoughts in my head of ways to be sure that the miracle of Carys isn’t forgotten, but I’m so stuck right now that I’m not able to move forward. I know it’ll happen in time… waiting is just never really easy. I look forward to the timelessness of Heaven, where we won’t have to stress over timing issues or wait for good things, or miss those we’ve lost. I’m homesick for Heaven, but I want to make the most of the time I have here on this earth while I’ve got it.

Heavenly Father, I pray that you would help us to find the strength to keep going forward, even when we feel stuck. I pray that you would help us to remain focused on your miracles, peace, and comfort. Help me, Father, to not allow satan to distract me from your truth and your Love. I know you still have big plans for our future, plans for hope and to prosper us. I’m humbled to think about how you may want to use me and pray that I can fulfill my part in your plan. Thank you, Father, for your presence and your miracles. Please help me stay focused on you.

In Christ’s Holy name,

Amen.

Paxton's Expressions

2011-05-04T19:58:00.000-07:00

We have been continually entertained by Paxton's many expressions. I sent this picture to a few people earlier and almost immediately received about three captions.... so i thought I'd share here and invite some more captions.....

What do you think when you see this picture? :)

by the way.... he's up to 5 lbs 2.3 ounces...officially more than a sack of flour!! He's our sweet, growing boy!

It's not always easy...

2011-05-02T12:23:00.000-07:00

So, Paxton is doing well but mommy's having a tough time. We thought we'd have him home with us today but his doctor called this morning to say she wanted to watch him for 2 or three more days before sending him home. He had another episode yesterday where his heart rate dropped low while we were feeding him. It's a preemie thing and he'll grow out of it soon, but she wasn't comfortable releasing him yet because of how low it had dropped. I'll be honest, knowing he's doing that made it scary for me to think about having him home without a monitor to let us know when he does it. She said when she does send him home, she may send him home on a monitor for a while, which would make me feel better (if we know when he's doing it, all we have to do is stop feeding him for a bit, sit him up, and pat his back so he'll remember to breathe... he just has to figure out the coordination of eating and breathing at the same time). I know it'll be OK.. but I'm just having a really hard time not having him with me today. Some days are just harder than others, but I know I just have to go along with it, even when it's not easy.

Throughout this whole journey, I've had people tell me I'm strong or that I'm brave. Honestly, I don't feel like I'm either. I have sufficient strength because God's presence is continually with me, but I'm not strong. As far as being brave... I don't feel like that really fits either. Bravery, to me, implies that we chose to tackle this journey. The way I see it is that we have been presented with a challenging and difficult situation. We weren't given the option to choose whether or not we wanted to face it, we just had to keep going, and there was no way around it. The choice we did have, however, was how we were going to face it. I saw two choices. One: be bitter and resent God for allowing it to happen; or two: embrace it with trust that God loves us enough to have plans for us to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). I decided early on that I couldn't choose the first option. I've seen many bitter, resentful people in my life and career and I don't want to become one. I can only imagine how much more difficult this journey would have been and would continue to be if we'd chosen that approach. When we allow bitterness and resentment to take over, we focus only on selfish misery and don't allow ourselves the opportunities to see the rainbows through the rain. If we'd allowed ourselves to become bitter, we would have missed out on the joy of our little girl... we would have wasted what precious time we had with her.

We chose to embrace God's plans for us. We read about God's perfect love for us all throughout scripture. We know God's love is self-less and He wants good things for us. It's easy to question that at times, but that's where faith comes in. Either scripture is true, or it's not, and I personally believe it's absolutely true. It all fits together too perfectly to not be. Therefore, I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that God allows things to happen in our lives because He knows the rest of the story. I KNOW That because He loves us enough to let His son die in our place... He's not going to do something to destroy us. He's not selfish, he doesn't play games with us. He loves us. That's enough for me. I can trust that whatever He allows to be in front of us, He has good reason for it. He never promised life in this world would be easy, but then again, it seems like the most rewarding things in life aren't.

2011-04-30T09:51:00.000-07:00

We are so appreciative of all the love, prayers, and support over the past few months. It's been such an overwhelming journey. We're expecting to have Paxton home early next week (Monday) if all continues to go well. He's back to birth weight and eating on his own like a champ. We miss his sister so much, but truly believe her story isn't finished yet.

All tuckered out after eating

The graveside service went well on Thursday and we so appreciated all of those who came to the gathering at the funeral home and/or service. Apparently, it was a pretty big turnout for an infant... but honestly, i'm not surprised. She had quite the legacy for such a short little life! It was a beautiful day with a cool breeze, and the butterflies joined us as our minister focused on the beauty of Heaven. Carys' earthly body was laid to rest in a very peaceful spot, overlooking a little wooded valley. The grave faces the east and when the sun rises, it shines through the trees to her grave. We know that place is for us, not her. I can only imagine the wonders her little eyes are seeing in Heaven!!

After the graveside service, we went back to the hospital to be with Paxton. I'm still amazed at God's presence and peace. We're still heartbroken and missing our daughter, but now that the storm is beginning to calm down, we feel like it's ok to move on. Even so, I don't feel like we're leaving her behind. As I said before, I really don't believe Carys' story is finished yet. We're moving on, but we're taking her with us. She has made such an incredible impact on us and so many others that our lives will be forever changed and every part of our future will be affected by her presence in this world. We will always miss her here, and we will always be amazed by her and what God has given us through her. She truly has been our little miracle and we are so grateful for the opportunity to have her in our lives. God is so good!!

2011-04-28T13:53:00.001-07:00

Feeling blessed and at peace. It was hard leaving after the service but i'm feeling a bit excited now, reflecting on all the times I've heard others say Carys has impacted them. I really believe that even though she's gone home, her story here isn't over. I look forward to seeing what kind of impact our little miracle will continue to have in this world!

Rainy Weather

2011-04-26T10:22:00.000-07:00

I was amazed when we came home how much everything had grown. After all the rain we've had, everything looked SO green and fresh and new. The sky had dark clouds but the sun was shining past them brightly. I wondered if we'd see a rainbow. When i got home, I walked around my yard for a few minutes, looking at my plants that had grown taller. Some were blooming. I felt refreshed. Rain helped everything grow more beautiful. The rain isn't always comfortable, but our attitude toward it makes a difference. If we look at the rain like it's a miserable inconvenience, all we're going to see is mud and wet hair.

As we were making plans yesterday for Carys' graveside service and burial, Aaron commented that we may want to look at the forecast before we choose a day. Then, we decided that even if it rains, it's ok. Rain seems to have such a different meaning for us. We've been through such a storm. At times we've felt like it was flooding and we may drown, but we've never been left alone. Carys' middle name, Rainn, was chosen largely for the meaning, "abundant blessings from above." What may have looked like a miserable storm from the outside, God allowed us to see as abundant blessings. Our Rainn helped everything grow more beautiful. We've slopped through a lot of mud, but when we embraced the Rainn with open arms, nothing has ever felt better. She helped us grow more than any other experience in life could have. We're closer to each other, and most importantly, closer to our Heavenly Father. Without the Rainn, we would have had no way of being in this place of awe. We are amazed by God's plans, His perfect design, and the beauty we have experienced through Carys' short time in this world. 

So, if it rains, it's a good thing, and we will embrace it. The rain brings abundant blessings from above!

"... I will cause showers to come down in their season; there shall be showers of blessing." Ezekiel 34:26

Carys Rainn Kitchen

2011-04-25T13:17:00.001-07:00

Carys Rainn Kitchen, daughter of Aaron Michael and Keri Ann Kitchen of Grayson, lived peacefully for 7 hours and 13 minutes on April 21st, 2011 at King’s Daughters Medical Center, exceeding hopeful expectations.

Carys was diagnosed with Anencephaly, a fatal neural tube defect, at 16 weeks gestation. Though initially devastated by Carys’ diagnosis, her family and friends experienced a glimpse of the closeness and reality of Heaven due to her presence. Though Carys’ time in this world was brief, she impacted the lives of those around her in ways that are nothing short of miraculous; strengthening faith and family relationships.

Carys is survived by her parents and twin brother, Paxton Cole Kitchen and loving grandparents, Michael D. and Pamela J. Kitchen of Grayson and Rev. James and Teri Harris of Argillite. In addition, Carys is survived by great-grandparents, Paul and Virginia Waggoner of Grayson, and Charles E. and Ruth Rose of Raceland, as well as many adoring aunts, uncles, and cousins. Carys has been welcomed to Heaven by great-grandparents Lewis and Marjorie J. Kitchen of Hitchins, Lester and Imogene Harris of Argillite, and Doris Bentley-Rose of Raceland, along with many other loved ones.

There will be a graveside service for Carys conducted by Rev. Scott Hill at 2:30 p.m. Thursday, April 28 at East Carter County Memory Gardens in Grayson. Friends and family are welcome to gather at Malone's Funeral Home at 1:00 p.m. prior to the service. Those who love her and who have been impacted by her life are encouraged to visit afterrainn.blogspot.com to leave messages on her memorial page and share her legacy with others.

Happy Resurrection Day!!

2011-04-24T04:24:00.000-07:00

It seems strange to not be in Sunrise Service, but I can assure you, I'm feeling revived and blessed. We have more to look forward to in Heaven today and it feels so close and so real. We're so thankful for all the prayers and support. We may have lost our baby girl from this world, but we haven't lost her; we know exactly where she is! The time we were given to spend with her was so much more than we could have even expected... in length and so much more. She was so perfectly created by God's design, and His presence and peace were so strong while we enjoyed our time with her. Though we miss our daughter, we are so grateful for the impact she has had on those around her, for the presence of her precious brother, and for the work God is doing in our lives through them both. We are so very blessed!

The last couple of days I've felt sad and down, even though I still had a sense of peace while missing Carys. Last night, Aaron was reading from the Easter story and was wondering aloud about the significance of Jesus' words to Peter, James, and John in the garden of Gethsemene.

"⁴⁰ Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. “Couldn’t you men keep watch with me for one hour?” he asked Peter. ⁴¹ “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” Matthew 26:40-41

How easy it is to fall asleep! Physically, I'm tired and sore from the surgery. Resting in the hospital isn't exactly easy. I KNOW I am more prone to give in to sadness when I'm feeling weak physically. It's a human nature issue. "The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak." How significant is that to me right now? My spirit wants to rejoice in the miracle we've experienced this week. It can be a challenge to not let my flesh stand in the way.

Thankfully, this prompted a discussion about Thursday's events and how amazing our little miracles are. I've asked Aaron that when I start feeling down and missing Carys, he help me focus on the joy of the miracle that she has been to us. Every time I talk about her or hear someone say how she has impacted their lives, I feel a renewed joy. THAT is what I want to focus on. This is not a sad event. She's not sitting around waiting in Heaven, missing her mommy. To her, there is no such thing as time. She's in the arms of the Father and she's not in any hurry. I may miss her, but I can choose to focus on the joy! My baby girl is safe and has never known anything other than overwhelming Love. What more could a mom ask for?!

So, this morning, my flesh may be weak, but my spirit is rejoicing. We have so much more today to look forward to in Heaven! Praise God, Christ arose!!!!!

** Please visit Carys' Memorial Page and let us know if she has had an impact on your life in some way!! **

After The Rainn

Historic Tornadoes

The old normal isn't comfortable anymore.

"Riddle Me This"

"The vast uncluttered wilderness"

Sanctity of Life

Jeremiah 29:11-13

Every Last Tear

Caption Contest Winner!!

Time for a Caption Contest!

"I am the Lord's servant..."

Solomon Was A Rainbow Baby

Joy's the Word

i am thankful

Revelation 21:4

Pilgrim Overboard

Jeremiah 29:11-13

Acknowledging Loss

Please, Fleas?!

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

"A person's a person, no matter how small!"

Sitting

Caption Contest Winner!!

Caption Contest Entries - Vote now!

Another Caption Contest!

The New Normal

Couldn't see the forest for the trees...

Under the Weather

*thump*....*thump*..........*thump*

A Touch of Heaven

"Be still, and know that I am God..."

"God is my Co-Pilot"

Brokenness

Psalm 34:18

Psalm 147:3

Songs about the Rain

Contest Results are in!

Caption Contest Entries - Vote now!

CAPTION CONTEST!

Rainbows and Rainy Days

Perspectives

2 Corinthians 5

2 Corinthians 5

Awaiting the New Body

The Ministry of Reconciliation

"There should be two."

Looking forward to Nostalgia being a thing of the past.

nos·tal·gia

"Only God, who makes things grow"

I thought the storm was over...

Weathering the Storms

Jesus Calms the Storm

James 1:2-5 (New International Version)

Trials and Temptations

Remembering the Miracles

Paxton's Expressions

It's not always easy...

Rainy Weather

Carys Rainn Kitchen

Happy Resurrection Day!!

thump....thump..........thump